CHICAGO—Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were hentai. “What am I listening to? Oh, just the music of Post Malone. He’s a pop artist,” the panicked, sweating Paolini said out loud to no one in particular, adjusting the angle of her screen as if it showed an anime of a busty teenage schoolgirl, though it in fact displayed the album art for Luke Bryan’s 2011 release Tailgates & Tanlines. “I’m just listening to some normal pop music. I hate when singers go on and on about the slow beauty of country life or the freedom of a pickup truck on an open road. If that kind of music ever came up on my Spotify, it’d be because I got hacked.” At press time, reports confirmed Paolini was hurriedly changing her Spotify to a sensible episode of The Daily before getting off the train to meet up with her boyfriend.
Jesus Christ is King
