Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.
Q: Who is directing?
A: Christopher McQuarrie with a gun pointed at his head by Tom Cruise.
Q: What stunts does Tom Cruise pull off in this one?
A: He manages to deliver several monologues about a computer villain called “the Entity” while maintaining a straight face.
Q: Isn’t Tom Cruise a Scientologist?
A: No. He’s Impossible Missions Force agent Ethan Hunt.
Q: Who is the movie for?
A. The Final Reckoning is great for everyone, whether you’re a male age 18 to 24 or a male age 25 to 40.
Q: What’s the mission this time?
A: To make $800 million at the box office.
Q: Why did the film have such a high budget?
A: McQuarrie insisted on using real innocent victims for each explosion.
Q: Is Clark Gable in it?
A: No, Clark Gable unfortunately continues to be dead.
Q: What new vehicle have they decided to stage an elaborate chase sequence with?
A: Let’s just say that if fans aren’t ready for a recumbent bicycle, then they better get ready.
Q: Should I ask Sara if she wants to go see it with me?
A: Yes. She might say no, but the pain of rejection will be nothing compared to the pain of not knowing.
Q: Is this the last Mission: Impossible film?
A: It’s the last one with non-CGI Tom Cruise.
Q: What’s Tom Cruise’s next project?
A: Based on probability, dying in a helicopter crash.
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