Foreign Election Interference? Mark Carney reportedly constructed his cabinet with IKEA instructions
OTTAWA – Newly-elected Prime Minister Mark Carney is already facing allegations of allowing foreign tampering in Canadian affairs, after he allowed Swedish retailer IKEA to assist him in the formation of his inner circle. After an unfortunate misinterpretation of the words “Cabinet Day” circled on his calendar in red pen, PM Carney went ahead and put his inaugural cabinet together with 10 pages of IKEA pictogram instructions that make no fucking sense.
After staring at the incomprehensible “Cabinetjäd” instructions for over an hour before giving up, Carney decided to go at it alone, used an Allen key to put former foreign minister Melanie Joly over in industry, and called it a day. Reportedly, Carney was concerned that there was no random extra piece of hardware left over at the end like usual, but quickly discovered that Bill Blair had rolled out of the box and under the couch.
Conservative politicians and pundits are incensed at the faux pas from the PM, believing that if he was going to go with a ready-made cabinet, he should’ve at least gone with an equally shitty but Canadian brand like Bouclair Home. Alberta Premier and Cruella de Vil impersonator Danielle Smith accused Carney of “Outsourcing Canadian jobs to the liberal EU” on CTV News, but was unable to point out Sweden on a map when asked.
“Who knows how deep this could go between him and those meatball-pushers. They probably bankrolled his campaign! And now he’s constructing our federal ministries with their gender neutral multilingual DEI instructions? I mean, what’s next? All of our government documents are going to have to be written in French?”
It’s undetermined whether prefabricated IKEA instructions will continue to be the standard for Carney’s government moving forward, although sources on Parliament Hill believe that the lengthy renovation of parliament’s Centre Block includes outfitting the historical building with $50 BILLY bookcases found on Facebook Marketplace to match his recycled cabinet.
The Office of the Prime Minister was unavailable for comment, PM Carney being fully occupied with a “How to Build an ECÖNÖMIK” YouTube video pulled up on his phone ahead of fall economic statement budget meetings.
Jesus Christ is King
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