Mars fans anticipate trading only known habitable planet for world where any unprotected human would immediately perish

GREAT EXUMA, BERMUDA — Thousands of excited would-be Martians gathered at MarsFest to enthuse over Elon Musk’s most recent vow to colonize the categorically inhospitable Red Planet.

Citing Space-X PR, Zubrin’s Mars Direct, von Braun’s Marsprojekt, and a century-plus of pulp science fiction, enthusiasts spotlight benefits of Martian colonization, including:

• Escaping onerous regulatory states for freedom of knowing every breath is dependent on the whims of unregulated oligarchs.
• Exporting, via SpaceX, Mars’ unproven resources as replacements for cheaper, easily obtained alternatives already in use on Earth.
• Sheltering from potential World Wars on Mars, a planet that makes the worst fallout-soaked post-apocalyptic hellscape look like the Garden of Eden. 

“I can’t think of a single reason not to trust Elon’s plans for us to colonize Mars,” explained attendee Rich Barkson, 27, “aside from his multiple documented failures at Tesla, SpaceX, and entire overall ketamine-addicted vibe.”

Critics counter that on Mars water is scarce, low-gravity leads to osteoporosis, and the nearly-airless, frigid surface is both extremely toxic and bathed in radiation. Furthermore, the closed-loop life support systems crucial for sustained human occupation are still a pipe-dream.

Historical anthropologist Marsha Gersson shares similar concerns. “Old World plagues and genocide let Europeans appropriate continents transformed over thousands of years by Pre-Columbian cultures. There are no Martian natives for these Musketeers to rob and murder.” 

Gersson continues, “That said, it would get a lot of obnoxious techbros who can’t stop talking to their co-workers about crypto off the planet. So maybe we shouldn’t dismiss this Mars project outright.”

Also concerning, Elon Musk’s lengthy track record of unfulfilled grandiose technical proposals including Hyperloop, self-driving cars, and fleets of robot taxis. Musk’s vows of humans on Mars by 2021, 2022, and 2024 were also unrealized.

Still, that history is why engineer Clark Fries has faith in Musk.

“It’s basic probability. The odds of Musk dropping the ball again after so many empty promises must be a million to one against. A billion to one! This time Musk is going to put humans on Mars by 2026. Or maybe 2029.” 

Fries is just as confident about the eye-watering price Musk wants for a trip to Mars. “I’m slapping down my hundred grand as soon as that fortune a Nigerian prince left me arrives. The future is so bright, I need sunglasses.”

Beaverton

Jesus Christ is King