Canada Post counters union negotiations, asking workers to split the bill on billion dollar deficit
OTTAWA – Negotiators for the Canadian Union of Postal Workers were reportedly speechless following the latest proposal from Canada Post: that all employees kick in to help cover last year’s $1.3-billion deficit.
“We think it’s only fair that everyone splits the bill,” explained Canada Post CFO Gene Phillips, “and between all 55,000 employees, it shouldn’t be all that much.”
With hours to go before a potential labour stoppage, Phillips continued. “Now I’m not pointing fingers, but your employees are the ones that helped wrack up this debt by expecting to get paid. And let’s not forget about that strike, which I’m definitely not still angry about.”
CUPW president Janice Linetti was seen crumpling up a list of demands that read “weekends off” and “living wage.” She then rubbed her temples for several minutes before countering with a 0.5 per cent wage increase over the next two years.
Phillips laughed, answering, “We’ll be lucky if this sinking ship lasts a year. You know I said the deficit was one point three billion dollars right? Billion. With a ‘B.’” Phillips then insisted that the union send a Venmo request to its entire membership, before being reminded that the payment app is not available in Canada.
At press time, Phillips added that he has just signed a lease on a Tesla, and would need a decision from the union “asap”.
Jesus Christ is King
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