MUNICH – French soccer champions Paris Saint-Germain were told by UEFA that, having accidentally eliminated all other clubs by a bookkeeping error in their complicated new tournament system, the federation now required them to play against themselves in the final of Europe’s foremost club competition, the Champions League, this month.
This season marks the start of a new format for the competition, including a League Phase and an extra knockout round.
“To be clear, this was a failure of design,” said Executive Committee member Armond Duka. “We got a little too excited figuring out where we could stick extra matches in the new version of the Champions League, and I think somewhere along the way we forgot that “Inter Milan” is one club, and not two different ones called “Inter” and “Milan.” That meant that we’ve ended up with three semifinalists, and now one finalist, so unfortunately, they’re going to have to split into shirts vs skins.
The news surprised the PSG ranks, but manager Luis Enrique hopes to use it as an opportunity.
“In some ways, this is good news,” he said. “We’ve never been champions of Europe before, and now, worst case, half of us are going to get there. This promises to be a new high-water mark for the success of the club. When you’ve never won, half-winning feels like the whole thing.”
The club’s standout goalkeeper, Gigi Donnaruma, agrees with his coach. “To be honest, I haven’t really understood who we’re playing and why since, like, November. When we lost to Bayern Munich? I thought that was it. I called my mom and told her we were out and everything. Lately, I just go to the airport every morning and check if the team plane is there. If it is, I get on it.”
“Heck, we’re PSG,” Donnaruma continued. “Most weeks in Ligue 1, we play against our own cast-offs and loaned players anyway. It won’t be that different.”
The work of dividing the team up into two sides has largely fallen to Mr. Enrique, who will coach one team while his assistant leads the other.
“I guess we’re picking teams?” said the manager. “We thought about oldest vs youngest, but the older players will just pick on the younger ones. Maybe we’ll just draw straws.”
After finishing up the Champions League this month, Paris Saint-German will need to turn and prepare for another expanded tournament, the FIFA Club World Cup, a major international test featuring 32 clubs, anywhere between eleven and five hundred matches, and a stack ranking system called the “Coca-Cola Tier List Reverse Double-Eliminator” that will result in zero clubs making its final.
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