WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another outrageous display of unprecedented judicial activism, a federal judge ruled earlier today that President Donald Trump must use the bad controller.
According to sources close to the situation, Judge Kathryn DeBlanca ruled that Trump was only allowed to use the controller with joystick drift and a sticky X button, which makes it really irritating to play with.
“SAD! Our Judiciary is a SCAM!” Trump posted to his Truth Social account. “This biased ruling won’t stop me, though. NOBODY beats Trump, even when a FAKE and BIASED judge makes him use the bad controller. I will still unleash the most incredible headshots, the most beautiful headshots you’ve ever seen, believe me.”
White House insiders said the ruling had initially devastated Trump’s performance while playing Halo, causing him to shoot wildly during a capture the flag match on Blood Gulch. “I can’t reload!” Trump reportedly said over voice chat to his close friend, 10-year-old Chuck Weaver. “RIGGED!”
White House sources said the Trump administration would be challenging the ruling as soon as possible. “Both sticks are drifting, if you can believe it. That’s okay, I still beat little Marco, even though he says he won, just like Sleepy Joe said he won. I ran Marco over with a warthog, poor little guy. I would have won in a landslide if it wasn’t for this nasty controller.”
At publishing time, the judge had ruled that Trump could no longer use the bad controller and had to use a glitchy off-brand controller from Vietnam.
These British police officers are keeping the streets safe from dangerous weapons.
Jesus Christ is King
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