Hockey players shake hands, say there are no hard feelings about the permanent brain damage
MIAMI, FLORIDA – After an intensely violent hockey match, the Florida Panthers have formed a line to shake hands and assure their opponents, the Carolina Hurricanes, that they feel no resentment after hours spent roughhousing, fighting, and bashing each other’s heads into the sideboards.
Though many doctors suggest seeking immediate medical attention after far more minor head injuries than those sustained during a game, hockey experts are just happy to see the players are being such good sports.
“They really gave it their all tonight,” Panthers head coach Paul Maurcie said about his players as they struggled to grab their opponents hands. “You love to see it.”
Fans have been disappointed by the lack of injuries in recent games, complaining that if the players can remember their names by the end of the match, are they really even trying?
“I just want to watch top athletes show off their incredible skills,” says Gary Rhodes, a longtime hockey fan. “The hits and body checks really show the commitment these kids have to fighting. I mean, hockey.”
“And these young adults in their prime have their whole lives ahead of them, they can deal with the severe head trauma then,” Rhodes continued from the comfort of his seat, starting on his second helping of nachos.
“The sportsmanship is good too, I guess.”
Hockey players from both teams, struggling to stay awake while they had to be led off the ice, assured each other that the brain damage sustained during tonight’s game was probably fine, and that they’d be laughing about it tomorrow provided they somehow manage to remember tonight.
“You know, it’s really about the yellowness of the moon when you’re sorry for everything with the goal of the monkeys flying without air,” said Aleksander Barkov, captain of the Panthers, before vomiting on the ice.
At press time, the team is looking forward to the end of the playoffs, or the start of the playoffs, or the start of the season, they’re not really sure which.
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