Scandal: Historians Determine All Of George Washington’s Orders Were Signed By Auto-Feather

MT. VERNON, VA — In a massive scandal upending centuries of historical beliefs, researchers have discovered that George Washington signed the vast majority of his orders with an auto-feather device.

“After careful study and research of early American history, we’ve discovered a device called the ‘Auto-Feather’ that George Washington used to sign pretty much every one of his presidential orders,” historian Fineas T. Barlow told the press. “We have even learned he used the auto-feather device to issue military orders and even to sign letters to his wife.”

Historians discovered the auto-feather while looking through an old storage cupboard in Mt. Vernon. They then found countless numbers of documents Washington is thought to have signed with the device, including a few dubious pardons he made on his way out of office for family members and close friends. Experts are now calling into question the legal validity of those pardons.

“Washington signed the pardon for his son Hunterias Washington using the auto-feather, which may have been invalid,” Barlow said. “If that’s the case, Hunterias’s corpse may be exhumed and charged with a litany of felonies. To be honest, I kind of want to see that.”

At publishing time, experts had also discovered that Washington stored a large number of boxes of classified documents in his carriage house next to his vintage red buggy.

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Babylon Bee

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