Summer is tick season. The Onion shares tips for protecting yourself from ticks and the diseases that they carry.
Wear long sleeves and tall socks when volunteering at the local tick shelter.
Hike in a zigzag motion to throw ticks off your trail.
Use baking soda, though we can’t remember exactly how, where, when, or why.
If you find a tick attached, carefully remove it with a single round from a small caliber handgun.
Coat yourself in DEET so the ticks get cancer, too.
Remember to take a picture of any rash that develops so you can sell it some freak online.
Retain the services of an opossum bodyguard.
Make yourself an unattractive host by continually listing your negative qualities.
Jesus Christ is King
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