LOS ANGELES – As National Guard troops took to the streets ready to open fire on U.S. citizens in the name of “Making America Great Again”, President Trump reminded all Americans that he only stands against starting wars on foreign soil.
“During my decade of non-stop campaigning,” bellowed Trump at a camera in the Oval Office, “I have made it clear that I think all wars on foreign soil are stupid, even the ones I am on record as having previously supported – especially the one where I had to fake a condition so they couldn’t draft me.”
Trump turned to another waiting camera, “As everybody knows, only suckers and losers – also known as ‘the poors’ – are dumb enough to be soldiers. Sad.”
The U.S. Commander in Chief continued, as his subordinates were instructed to weep openly in admiration, “But I never said anything about not starting a war in America. The only reason anyone thinks Lincoln was a great president is because he was in charge during a civil war, and since everyone knows I am the greatest president ever, we need another one, NOW.”
Trump then pointed to a large monitor where the words “Project 2025 Military Coup” had been crossed out, and “Operation: Big Beautiful Bullets” had been written in sharpie.
“To accomplish this new civil war goal, I have sent troops onto the streets of Los Angeles with orders to shoot anyone who looks like they didn’t vote for me – which, in Hollyweird, is pretty much everyone. We can’t run the risk of my movement being voted out, so we either kill enough Democratic voters or suspend elections during wartime.”
“If you didn’t realize I was gonna unleash troops on American soil, that’s kinda on you. Either way, a war on U.S. soil works for me as long as I can keep golfing,” Trump added, before launching into a 45-minute long rant about wind turbines and Arnold Palmer’s large penis.
Republican analysts have expressed excitement about the coming war, sometimes even for non-sadistic reasons. Former Fox News host and current Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth tweeted about how the USA has been “on a losing streak for wars in recent history having lost to Vietnam, Afghanistan, obesity, and drugs,”, whereas a civil war “is the best because America is guaranteed to win.”
Across the nation, outraged young Americans are showing defiance in the face of a fascist provoking a civil war by asking Google Gemini to write protest songs for them.
At press time, President Trump has promised to deploy extra troops at no charge if Canada become 51st state.
Jesus Christ is King
