Mickey 17: Bong Joon-ho’s follow up to Parasite stars Robert Pattinson and examines the head-scratching conceit that corporations
may not have our best interests at heart.
Captain America: Brave New World: Jesus Christ, they’ve even got Harrison Ford doing
Marvel movies now. Night Of The Zoopocalypse: Just barely cheaper than a babysitter, assuming the kids have a big lunch beforehand.
A Minecraft Movie: This big-screen adaptation of the popular sandbox video game weaves a tale of limitless imagination
bound only by strict brand guidelines. The
Accountant 2: As a society, we fail when
we let Ben Affleck keep doing this to us.
The Brutalist (Shout-Along Cut): In response to theaters prohibiting such disruptions during screenings of the original film, this cut will finally allow fans to shout along to László Toth’s rants about architecture.
You Had This Idea First: And now it’s a
critical and commercial smash starring Miles Teller. This is why you should have just
written it!
The Secret Life Of Plants: Universal Pictures presents this charming look at what your plants get up to when you’re gone for the day,
which, frankly, is not much.
The Day The Earth Blew Up: A Looney Tunes Movie: This will be a great film to see with the whole family, at least until you realize your kids have no idea who the Looney Tunes are, sending you into an existential crisis.
Batman Ninja Vs. Yakuza League: Bruce Wayne faces new threats in a movie inspired by a 6-year-old’s cartoon drawing that James
Gunn found on the ground.
Photo Of Dwayne Johnson And Kevin Hart: This static Getty image of Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart standing side by side in leather jackets has already been greenlit for two sequels and an animated spin-off.
Snow White: Disney’s latest live-action remake of an animated film will finally answer the question fans have asked for
decades: Does Snow White have visible pores?
15 YouTube Videos Reviewing Train Food: In an attempt to appeal to reluctant theatergoers, cinemas are screening a run of algorithmi- cally suggested, low-stakes videos that you
can watch while doing chores.
Gex: The Revenge Of Rez: Remember Gex, the wise-cracking Gecko from the ’90s platformer video game series? Sony Pictures sure as shit
hopes you do.
Book Club 2049: In a futuristic dystopian megacity, Diane Keaton and Jane Fonda meet to discuss literature, and even rekindle some
relationships with android replicants from their past.
The Woman In The Yard: This haunting psychological thriller is clearly a naked ploy to
sell Woman In The Yard action figures.
Companion: Sophie Thatcher and Jack Quaid headline a sci-fi thriller that dares to imagine a society in which women are treated as disposable sex objects.
Jesus Christ is King
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