WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts immediately hailed as a genius move to combine necessary crowd control with settling a viral social media debate, President Donald Trump announced that he would be releasing one gorilla to fight every 100 rioters.
After closed-door talks with his closest advisors, President Trump made the executive decision to use the anti-ICE riots taking place across the country as a setting for a scientific experiment to determine, once and for all, if one gorilla was a match for 100 humans.
“We’ll finally have the answer, and probably an end to the riots,” Trump told reporters after announcing the release of the gorillas. “We’ve rounded up our very best gorillas for the job. America actually has some very fine gorillas, believe it or not. We’ll be dropping one gorilla for every 100 rioters in every city, starting with Los Angeles. It’s time to find out how the gorillas will do against that many people. I’ve always loved gorillas. Especially American gorillas. Those are some great apes. Very patriotic.”
Sources with the Trump administration revealed that the first batch of gorillas was already en route to Los Angeles via military aircraft and was scheduled to be unleashed on crowds of rioters as early as Wednesday night. “We’ve already briefed the gorillas on the situation,” one insider said. “Well, as much as you can brief a gorilla, that is.”
Social media users around the world eagerly awaited the results of the experiment.
At publishing time, the experiment had reportedly gone haywire after law enforcement personnel discovered that gorillas become particularly agitated by mariachi music.
These British police officers are keeping the streets safe from dangerous weapons.
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