WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision opposed only by Justice Neil Gorsuch, who advocated for at least one more serving of the “tasty little crustaceans,” a bloated and moaning Supreme Court ruled Friday that they had eaten too many shrimp. “The court holds that we as a judicial body have consumed far more shrimp than anyone could reasonably deem appropriate, let alone advisable, and therefore we find it prudent to impose a nationwide injunction on bottomless shrimp deals, effective immediately,” Chief Justice John Roberts wrote in a cocktail-sauce-covered majority opinion joined by six other members of the nation’s highest court, with Amy Coney Barrett recusing herself due to a shellfish allergy. “We hereby enjoin the court from eating any more shrimp for at least 48 hours. This overturns the long-standing precedent of Belly v. United States (2024), which determined that one could never eat too many shrimp, a case we now believe was improperly decided by justices who failed to account for the undue toll that a high volume of shrimp takes on one’s gastric health. This is to say nothing of the heightened risk of ingesting bad shrimp that occurs when one eats so very many of them.” At press time, Gorsuch publicly blasted the ruling, claiming he could eat 40 to 50 more shrimp, no problem.
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