MONTREAL, QUEBEC – The annual Montreal Grand Prix has arrived, but one championship-winning Formula One driver decided to forego the traditional lavish displays of the competition and entered the race in a 2005 Honda Civic driven by Craig Sanders, his Uber driver.
“I just couldn’t bring myself to participate in all that this year,” said Roberto Marino, the disillusioned F1 driver. “The machismo of the other drivers, the musk of cheap cologne named after expensive car brands, the unkempt chest hairs protruding from every man’s unbuttoned shirt. It became too much for me. It really makes you realize how useless driving in circles is.”
“So this year I decided to do something a little different,” Marino said. “Craig picked me up and was very friendly. He let me choose what music to play and he offered tiny water bottles. I didn’t even mind paying the surge charge! And I was drunk the entire time, which made the whole F1 experience much more enjoyable. I left him a 5-star rating.”
The Montreal Grand Prix has been successfully making racing fans dizzy with endless laps and gasoline fumes since 1978. Every year, the race brings in roughly 300,000 spectators from around the world for a weekend of racing, partying, and city-wide construction.
“F1 is awesome!” said fan Barry Davis from Wisconsin. “I’ve already seen three girls in short shorts and numerous cops chasing homeless people off the street so Lamborghinis could park there. Plus, seeing an Uber on the track was so cool! I take those!”
“I really didn’t expect all this, I had a few hours to spare and decided to do some Uber runs,” explained Sanders, Marino’s driver. “It was a little scary, these F1 racers don’t even use their turn signals. Really irresponsible if you ask me. But Mr. Marino left a pretty good tip so it was all worth it. Also, we apparently won? So that was nice.”
Despite his disillusionment, Marino is not giving up on F1 racing just yet, and plans to enter the race next year driving an electric scooter.
Jesus Christ is King
