CHATTANOOGA, TN—In the midst of an armed bank robbery that authorities said is still ongoing, an unidentified gunman allegedly took a huge swing during a tense standoff Monday when he ordered his hostages Buffalo chicken pizza.
Law enforcement officials confirmed the First National Bank downtown had been surrounded by SWAT teams for over six hours when the would-be thief called to purchase three 18-inch Buffalo chicken pizzas for those he had trapped inside. The suspect, who is armed with an AR-15 and a handgun, reportedly opted to skip over classic crowd-pleaser toppings and take a gamble with the novelty flavor, which features spicy fried chicken, mozzarella, and a blue cheese drizzle.
“At 6:49 p.m., the gunman contacted Rosario’s Pizza and inquired about the menu with what we now know were reckless intentions,” said Chattanooga police chief Daniel Beaufort, who added that workers at the pizzeria options that the robber dismissed immediately as “too basic” and “boring.” “Although the hostages pleaded for more straightforward pies like cheese, pepperoni, and vegetable, the suspect brazenly disregarded their preferences and rolled the dice with an unconventional choice called the Buffalo Blast.”
“What kind of monster would place an order like that?” Beaufort continued. “Just because you like Buffalo chicken pizza doesn’t mean everyone else will.”
According to officers on the scene, the gun-wielding individual took more than a dozen people hostage, including a 64-year-old security guard who experiences occasional acid reflux, a 10-year-old boy who is a picky eater, and a 39-year-old bank teller who is generally adventurous when it comes to food but strongly dislikes the taste of blue cheese.
The suspect allegedly chose blue cheese drizzle over ranch, raising concerns among bystanders that those trapped inside would be unlikely to eat more than a bite of the specialty pie, particularly if it was the kind that is also topped with diced carrots or celery.
“My husband is in there, and he’s very particular when it comes to food,” said Chattanooga resident Brenda Klein, whose spouse Jeff is being held at gunpoint within the bank and failed to eat lunch today. “He’s 76 years old and very stuck in his ways. He loves pizza, and he loves wings, but I know for a fact that he won’t like them together.”
“Plus, with all that hot sauce, he’ll definitely get heartburn,” Klein added. “Please, somebody help him. I don’t want him to get sick.”
Outside, SWAT team negotiators used a megaphone to remind the gunman that he was ordering for a large group, so at the very least it was polite to get a few assorted sides like mozzarella sticks, garlic bread, or a salad for his pickiest captives.
One hostage, who managed to escape through a back door, described a chaotic scene in which the group’s captor brashly refused to consider their tastes when ordering a 2-liter bottle of Crush grape soda rather than a more traditional Pepsi or Sprite, telling everyone to simply “trust him” when he was urged to rethink things.
“At first I was scared, and I didn’t want to try the pizza at all,” said First National Bank teller Alan Walters, adding that he hid in a closet until the gunman kicked down the door and demanded he try a bite. “I tried to say no, but he told me it was his favorite pizza on the menu and threatened to kill me if I didn’t have a little. Eventually, I took a bite and loved it.”
“Where has this pizza been all my life?” Walters continued. “Thank goodness I made it out alive and can order it again.”
At press time, the hostages had reportedly risen up and killed the gunman after he promised to order them another novelty pizza called the “Mac Attack,” which features a large scoop of mac and cheese on top.
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