EDMOND, OK—Explaining how he doesn’t want his newfound abstinence to infringe on their having a good time, Doug Chandler, a recovering sex addict, assured his group of friends at a party Friday that they can still fuck around him. “You guys should totally feel free to have sex while I’m around,” said Chandler, explaining that, while he himself would not partake, his inner circle shouldn’t feel weird about stuffing each other’s holes or bringing themselves to orgasm in his presence. “If you guys decide to bone, I might just dry hump a couch cushion or jack it on my own, but please, don’t let me deter you from pounding away at each other. I promise I’m not judging you guys or anything, I just gotta do what’s best for me.” At press time, Chandler woke up on the couch drenched in bodily fluids after relapsing that night.
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