Legal Experts Predict 50% Chance Of Conviction, 100% Chance Of Minneapolis Burning To The Ground

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—As deliberations begin in the trial of Derek Chauvin, legal experts are saying there is a 50% chance he will be convicted and a 100% chance that Minneapolis will burn to the ground.

Experts reviewed hundreds of hours of footage of the trial, George Floyd’s death, and the ensuing protests in Minneapolis last summer. They came to the conclusion that Chauvin’s case is a toss-up, but no matter what happens, it’s a mathematical certainty that Minneapolis will be a heap of flaming rubble in just a few short weeks at most.

“The trial could go either way, but the riots? Oh yeah, those are happening,” said Professor Peter Charles of the University of Minnesota. “Without a doubt, this entire place will burn to the ground. We’re talking a total barbecue.”

“The interesting thing about the case is that the prosecution seemed to do well, but it’s not certain that they’ll be able to secure a conviction due to possible tampering of the jury. And the defense may have been able to create reasonable doubt in this case, so we’re looking at close to 50/50, maybe a little bit skewed in favor of conviction. But honestly, it doesn’t matter what happens — there will be blood.”

At publishing time, sources had confirmed there was also a 100% chance the media would call the riots civil and peaceful.