OLDFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR ― In a move being described by millions of Canadian pedants as “about time,” Newfoundland is relinquishing its hold on its increasingly inaccurate name to become Oldfoundland and Labrador.
“Back in the day, I was just glad not to be stuck with a name like ‘New Brunswick.’ Like, you’re never going to compare to the original Brunswick, man, so just don’t even try. But now I realize some names age better than others,” explained the province discovered in 1497 by Europeans, and known to Indigenous people and Vikings for centuries longer.
According to Oldfoundland, they started thinking the name might need to go a couple of centuries ago, but just never got around to it. “Mostly it was just having other things to think about, but I’ll admit there was a vanity aspect to it.”
“It’s not an easy thing to admit to yourself, but at some point, you just can’t ignore the signs: crevices grow deeper, trees stop growing up top, the half-hour time zone that used to be edgy is now just weird. And don’t get me started on how land begins to dry out. Seems like there isn’t enough moisturizer in the world to cover my chapped peninsulas.”
Polls show that many Canadians had never really considered it before, but now that it has been announced, the name change is being met with overwhelming approval. “This is a great first step. Now we just need to change the name of Great Slave Lake and it’ll really start to look like Canadians know what century we live in!” said Vancouver native Dinah Cameron.
In related news from across the border, President Biden has confirmed that the US is beginning the equally overdue process of dropping the “United” from their name.
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