AUGUSTA, GA—With officers admitting they really connected with a lot of what the man was saying, an entire police department was reportedly talked up onto a ledge Friday by a persuasive jumper. “At first, we just kept telling him to keep calm, take a deep breath, and not jump, but eventually he started to make some pretty good points,” said Police Chief Martin Jeeter, who, along with approximately 200 other officers, ultimately abandoned their attempt to convince the jumper to step back to safety and, after putting down their bullhorns, climbed to the 10th-story ledge themselves. “Frankly, he’s right about a lot of stuff. Nobody loves us. The pain of being alive is too much to bear. And jumping to our death at this point really is our only option. Why should we even bother?” At press time, the dozens of passersby who had initially look on in horror had eventually been convinced to cheer as both the man and the police department all decided to jump together.
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