SAVANNAH, GA—His voice growing increasingly hoarse as he entered his 72nd hour of contextualizing the 2024 campaign through sports, vice presidential candidate Tim Walz reportedly panicked Monday while trapped inside a football metaphor for the third consecutive day. “It’s the fourth quarter, we’re down by a field goal, but we’re on offense, we’re driving to the end zone, and, boy, do we have the right team to win this—please, help me, help me,” Waltz reportedly said in a plea to a baffled swing voter, tears spilling from the Minnesota governor’s eyes as he attempted to clap a hand over his own mouth to stop the endless onrush of football analogies, similes, and comparisons, only to then burst out with a new remark about how there were “no timeouts left” and “every second counted” in taking Kamala Harris to the White House. “Our job, every last one of us, is to make sure Kamala has someone downfield for that last beautiful drive. Because trust me on this: She can deliver as America’s quarterback. I can’t stop saying this stuff. Jesus Christ. Make it stop, stop…stop Trump on fourth down. Leave it all out on the field, everyone. Let’s win this.” At press time, a visibly concerned Gwen Walz had attempted to steer her husband away from the conversation only for him to describe her as an irreplaceable offensive coordinator who will make sure the campaign goes the distance.
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