CAMBRIDGE, MA—Largely conforming with the preexisting research on the subject, a cautious study published Wednesday by researchers at Harvard University found whatever everyone else found. “After exhaustive trials and data analysis, our team can confirm that we have made discoveries totally in line with the stuff that other scientists discovered,” said the study’s lead author, Mark Tupperman, who told reporters they didn’t even really need to look at his team’s report because it was so similar to what other research teams had already observed. “Do you know what MIT and Boston College had for their hypothesis? Because that’s what our hypothesis was too! And we confirmed it or disproved it just like they did. We’re really happy with how our study turned out, but if one of those other teams wants to publish their results first, we guess we’d let them do that.” Tupperman went on to state that his team had reached several crucial conclusions and then began mumbling so softly that he was completely incoherent.
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