PEI Premier declares self Invincible God-King of the Maritimes just to get in the news
Dennistown, PEI – “Behold, I am the mighty son of Poseidon!” Premier Dennis King announced today. “And I shall rule the Maritimes for a thousand glorious years!”
Staffers have informed the press that King’s name must now be used in a “regal tone” and that direct eye contact is no longer permitted. Privately, they’ve told reporters that King is “bored” and “a little cooped up,” and that he “really appreciates” obsequent bows and poems praising his deeds.
“The poor guy only wants some attention,” King’s Chief of Staff said, “but other premiers are screwing up way too much for Mr. King to get in the news. He just needs to rename a few towns and mint his own coins until this is out of his system. Also, I guess I’m his ‘Grand Vizier’ now?”
However, the Legislative Assembly of PEI—which will now face a bill to rename the province Dennis King’s Pretty Excellent Island—decried King’s statement. “We live in a democracy,” said whoever PEI’s opposition leader is. “If we wanted an autocrat who dismissed all opposing viewpoints, we’d move to Alberta.”
“Technically, we’re now a thalassocracy,” King’s Grand Vizier clarified. “Which is a seaborne empire. I had to look it up, but our Olympus-touched Lord was very insistent on its use.”
The self-proclaimed Sovereign of the Waters responded to the opposition’s criticism by swearing that his divine father would sweep all who stood against him beneath the merciless waves. King has also demanded tribute from Nova Scotia and New Brunswick, tithes of lobster and fine spirits for the newly formed Cult of the Trident, and “a crown of finest aquamarine, so that all the world’s people will see the might of our august regime.”
At press time King was personally leading an invasion of Newfoundland, although reporters had all left to go see what Doug Ford was up to.
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