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ITASCA, IL—In an effort to better mitigate the effects of the chronic disease, the American Academy of Pediatrics issued new guidelines Monday recommending that children affected by obesity compensate with their personality. “Today, there…

LOS ANGELES—Maintaining that the suspects were clearly trespassing on city property, the Los Angeles Police Department arrested dozens of homeless residents found squatting in a shelter Thursday. “Today, the LAPD received multiple tips…

China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world’s second largest economy for decades. What do you think?“Hopefully this means…

GREEN BAY, WI—Following a disappointing season in which his team finished with a losing record and failed to make the postseason, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Thursday that he would decide his future career…

The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.CCOffEnglishQ: What…

WASHINGTON—As businesses prepare for a looming economic recession, a government report released Wednesday found that more companies have chosen to cut costs by replacing CEOs with prison labor. “As firms both large and small seek to rein in…

CHICOPEE, MA—Silently chanting the refrain in their heads as they stared dead-eyed at half-eaten platters, every customer in a local Buffalo Wild Wings was reportedly only thinking “Eat the flesh, suck the bones, suck the flesh, eat the…

We all know celebrities are privileged, but that privilege grows exponentially when it’s passed on to their spawn. Here are the things people hate the most about nepo babies.Advertisement2 / 21They Grow Up To Be Nepotism AdultsList…

SACRAMENTO, CA—Pulling over a motorist suspected of intoxication, a police officer conducting a field sobriety test Monday reportedly asked the driver whether or not calling his ex sounded like a good idea. “Excuse me, sir, do you think you…

BUCHAREST—Facing multiple charges of human trafficking and rape in a Romanian court, internet influencer Andrew Tate published a video Monday informing his followers that he had assembled a defense team of dozens of lawyers trafficked from…