bathing

EVANSTON, IL—Fingers trembling as he hurriedly composed a message begging his mom to pick him up from the sleepover, 12-year-old Quentin Matthews was said to be horrified Tuesday by the set of mismatched towels in the bathroom of his…

SISSETON, SD—Following an enunciation that emphasized each syllable of the word “peekaboo,” sources looking through an empty paper towel roll announced Thursday that they see you. “I spy with my little eye…someone who is you!” said the…

WASHINGTON—Clapping with delight while attempting to catch the thin, floating film of cleaning liquid, President Joe Biden chased a soap bubble across the nation Thursday, Beltway sources confirmed. “Come back, Mr. Bubble!” said the…

SALT LAKE CITY—Pausing their boisterous conversation to greet some new faces, the nation’s hairy men in hot tubs confirmed Wednesday there was plenty of room for one more if anybody else wanted in on the fun. “Don’t be shy, we can all…

The ideal home for someone whose husband didn’t disappear six weeks ago after a fight about paper towels. Master bedroom comes with closet full of clothes for a man of medium height who, really, doesn’t deserve to call himself a man.…

VATICAN CITY—Once more advancing his vision of a more inclusive church, Pope Francis reportedly broke with longstanding Roman Catholic doctrine Monday when he pressed his face against a steamy glass door in fervent approval of same-sex…

EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every…

BAR HARBOR, ME—As he shifted his feet impatiently and tried to pass the time until his hiding spot was discovered, sources confirmed Wednesday that annoyed serial killer Ernest Vershbow was starting to worry the woman he lay in wait for was…

NEW YORK—Explaining that any absence must be arranged ahead of time by following proper company protocol as listed in the employee handbook, Ada Simmons, HR manager at Hadley Systematics, sent an email Monday reminding staff that a doctor’s…

Put that painful divorce behind you with this 456-sq.-ft. studio apt. The kitchenette is ideal for microwaving half of a Subway meatball sub, while the living space adequately accommodates the futon on which both Connor and Tyler will be…