jesus christ

CLEVELAND—Tossing and turning throughout the night, local cool guy Maxwell Dutra was reportedly unable to get to sleep Tuesday due to intrusive memories from all of the times he was awesome. “Oh God, no, no, no, no, I’m so fucking awesome,…

WASHINGTON—Shining their flashlights to reveal the pajama-clad president with a wild look in his eye, the Secret Service reportedly found Joe Biden on the White House lawn Thursday attempting to dig his own grave. “It’s nearly four o’clock…

Start SlideshowAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideThe Onion: “Thank you for meeting with us today.”The Onion: “Thank you for meeting with us today.”Henry Kissinger: “Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a…

The Bidens can’t do anything right for Americans, including decorate the White House for Christmas. Jill Biden’s first mistake was ridding the State Dining Room mantle of any personalized stockings for her grandchildren so she wouldn’t have…

PORT ST. LUCIE, FL—Returning to her normal baseline after a prolonged period in a frenzied, psychotic state, a local woman confirmed Tuesday that she had come out of her manic episode to discover she was now a member of the U.S. House of…

THE HEAVENS—Mumbling the words “Why hast thou forsaken me?” as He thrashed about in His bed shortly after midnight Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings, reportedly woke up in a cold sweat after yet another nightmare that He had…

Start SlideshowMany public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public…

In June, a British teacher reprimanded two 13-year-old students, labeling the teenagers “despicable.” Their offense? Asking a simple question. Following an eighth-grade “life education” class about “identity,” one of the students…

Start SlideshowFollowing Donald Trump’s indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president…

Start SlideshowFollowing Florida’s decision to release new standards for teaching African American history in schools, The Onion examines the biggest benefits slaves got from slavery.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext Slide2 / 25‘Uncle Tom’s…