The Onion’s Final Interview With Henry Kissinger Before He Died

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The Onion: “Thank you for meeting with us today.”

Henry Kissinger: “Of course! Can I offer you anything to drink? Sparkling water out of a human skull? Iced tea out of a human skull?”

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The Onion: “Who are you again? Donald Rumsfeld or the other one?”

Kissinger: “Other one.”

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The Onion: “Do you believe the Earth is a safer place since you first began your career?”

Kissinger: “Despite my best efforts, yes.”

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The Onion: “Everyone’s wondering: How did you get so terrible?”

Kissinger: “Yeah, I don’t know, I wish I could blame the banality of evil when operating within a system that is fundamentally built upon violence, but even given that context, I was doing some fucked-up shit.”

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The Onion: “What lesson do you have for diplomats of the 21st centu—Jesus Christ, are you trying to napalm bomb us?”

Kissinger: “Well, maybe I wouldn’t be trying to firebomb you if you didn’t come at me with all of these provocative questions.”

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The Onion: “Do you know what Goop is?”

Kissinger: “I love Goop! Their pore tonic changed my life. Gwyneth and I dated in 2005.”

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The Onion: “Do you still ever get up to genocides now that you’re retired?”

Kissinger: “Every once in a while, when I have spare time, I’ll order a carpet bombing or mass slaughter.”

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The Onion: “Approximately how many people have you killed over the years?”

Kissinger: “I would say at least 150,000 in Cambodia, about 200,000 in East Timor, over 40,000 in Chile, 30,000 in Argentina, between 300,000 and 500,000 in Bangladesh, and one today.”

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The Onion: “If you had to summarize the reason for your success in one word, what would it be?”

Kissinger: “Do not muzzle me. I’ll say as many words as I goddamn please, you communist.”

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The Onion: “Do you have any regrets in your old age?”

Kissinger: “I regret not doing more of the killing myself. It’s one thing to order troops to do it, but it’s quite another to do it with your bare hands.”

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The Onion: “What about Star Trek?”

Kissinger: “What do you mean? It’s a television show. What are you talking about?”

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The Onion: “Do you have any hobbies now that you’ve retired?”

Kissinger: “I like cooking, painting, and measuring the skulls of little ethnic boys.”

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The Onion: “What was the biggest honor in your career?”

Kissinger: “Probably when I found out the ‘Life Is Good’ T-shirt man is based on me.”

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The Onion: “If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?”

Kissinger: “Ooh, that’s a tough one. Probably Anthony Bourdain. No Reservations is my comfort show. He’s easy on the eyes, too.”

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The Onion: “Can you point to Cambodia on this globe?”

Kissinger: “Hmm…mine always had a big red X on it.”

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The Onion: “How do you handle the criticism that you’re a war criminal whose policy decisions led to the suffering and deaths of millions around the world?”

Kissinger: “As Paul Dano’s character in Little Miss Sunshine once said, ‘Do what you love and fuck the rest.’”

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The Onion: “Who are your foreign policy idols?”

Kissinger: “Muammar Qaddafi. Pol Pot. Genghis Khan. And of course, Omarosa.”

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The Onion: “All the non-white races. Rank them, go.”

Kissinger: “Oh, please. I could never pick a least favorite.”

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The Onion: “What is something about yourself that you wish the American public knew?”

Kissinger: “Though I’m demonized as some sort of monster, I’m actually much more evil than people would tell you.”

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The Onion: “Are there any races that you like?”

Kissinger: “Whoever the top one is. I’m assuming that is still white, but I’m down for whatever.”

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The Onion: “Here’s an easy one just to humanize you: Favorite snack?”

Kissinger: “The bloody entrails of a screaming foreign child. Sorry, can’t humanize this guy!”

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The Onion: “As someone so accomplished in the space, what are the new genocides that you’re excited about?”

Kissinger: “Well, I know the mainstream one everyone likes is what Israel is doing to the Palestinians, but my current favorite is the treatment of Uyghur Muslims in China. Or even Azerbaijan attacking Armenians, that one is so underground. There are a lot of genocides happening that people should check out.”

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The Onion: “What’s in your bag?”

Kissinger: “ChapStick, sunscreen, a defibrillator, adrenochrome, cashews in case I’m getting snacky, and a land mine. Don’t worry, it’ll only explode if you touch it.”

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The Onion: “What is your biggest regret?”

Kissinger: “If I could do it all again, I would have emigrated somewhere other than the United States. For instance, I would have loved to shape St. Kitts into a genocidal superpower.”

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The Onion: “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you’re dead?”

Kissinger: “Find the souls of those Cambodian children and finish the job.”

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The Onion: “Okay, well, that was great. We’re going to kill you now.”

Kissinger: “I was wondering what the hammer was for.”

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The Onion: “Before I let you go, I just want to say you’re a depraved and inhuman egomaniac who wields your hatred like a sledgehammer meant only to crush the most helpless among us.”

Kissinger: “Thank you for the kind words.”

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The Onion’s Final Interview With Henry Kissinger Before He Died

The Onion: “Thank you for meeting with us today.”

The Onion: “Thank you for meeting with us today.”

The Onion: “Who are you again? Donald Rumsfeld or the other one?”

The Onion: “Who are you again? Donald Rumsfeld or the other one?”

The Onion: “Do you believe the Earth is a safer place since you first began your career?”

The Onion: “Do you believe the Earth is a safer place since you first began your career?”

The Onion: “Everyone’s wondering: How did you get so terrible?”

The Onion: “Everyone’s wondering: How did you get so terrible?”

The Onion: “What lesson do you have for diplomats of the 21st centu—Jesus Christ, are you trying to napalm bomb us?”

The Onion: “What lesson do you have for diplomats of the 21st centu—Jesus Christ, are you trying to napalm bomb us?”

The Onion: “Do you know what Goop is?”

The Onion: “Do you know what Goop is?”

The Onion: “Do you still ever get up to genocides now that you’re retired?”

The Onion: “Do you still ever get up to genocides now that you’re retired?”

The Onion: “Approximately how many people have you killed over the years?”

The Onion: “Approximately how many people have you killed over the years?”

The Onion: “If you had to summarize the reason for your success in one word, what would it be?”

The Onion: “If you had to summarize the reason for your success in one word, what would it be?”

The Onion: “Do you have any regrets in your old age?”

The Onion: “Do you have any regrets in your old age?”

The Onion: “What about Star Trek?”

The Onion: “What about Star Trek?”

The Onion: “Do you have any hobbies now that you’ve retired?”

The Onion: “Do you have any hobbies now that you’ve retired?”

The Onion: “What was the biggest honor in your career?”

The Onion: “What was the biggest honor in your career?”

The Onion: “If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?”

The Onion: “If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would it be?”

The Onion: “Can you point to Cambodia on this globe?”

The Onion: “Can you point to Cambodia on this globe?”

The Onion: “How do you handle the criticism that you’re a war criminal whose policy decisions led to the suffering and deaths of millions around the world?”

The Onion: “How do you handle the criticism that you’re a war criminal whose policy decisions led to the suffering and deaths of millions around the world?”

The Onion: “Who are your foreign policy idols?”

The Onion: “Who are your foreign policy idols?”

The Onion: “All the non-white races. Rank them, go.”

The Onion: “All the non-white races. Rank them, go.”

The Onion: “What is something about yourself that you wish the American public knew?”

The Onion: “What is something about yourself that you wish the American public knew?”

The Onion: “Are there any races that you like?”

The Onion: “Are there any races that you like?”

The Onion: “Here’s an easy one just to humanize you: Favorite snack?”

The Onion: “Here’s an easy one just to humanize you: Favorite snack?”

The Onion: “As someone so accomplished in the space, what are the new genocides that you’re excited about?”

The Onion: “As someone so accomplished in the space, what are the new genocides that you’re excited about?”

The Onion: “What’s in your bag?”

The Onion: “What’s in your bag?”

The Onion: “What is your biggest regret?”

The Onion: “What is your biggest regret?”

The Onion: “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you’re dead?”

The Onion: “What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you’re dead?”

The Onion: “Okay, well, that was great. We’re going to kill you now.”

The Onion: “Okay, well, that was great. We’re going to kill you now.”

The Onion: “Before I let you go, I just want to say you’re a depraved and inhuman egomaniac who wields your hatred like a sledgehammer meant only to crush the most helpless among us.”

The Onion: “Before I let you go, I just want to say you’re a depraved and inhuman egomaniac who wields your hatred like a sledgehammer meant only to crush the most helpless among us.”

The Onion: “Thank you again for your time.”

The Onion: “Thank you again for your time.”

You’ve Made It This Far…

You’ve Made It This Far…

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