linens

EVANSTON, IL—Fingers trembling as he hurriedly composed a message begging his mom to pick him up from the sleepover, 12-year-old Quentin Matthews was said to be horrified Tuesday by the set of mismatched towels in the bathroom of his…

GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZ—Awestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. “Shh, kids,…

SISSETON, SD—Following an enunciation that emphasized each syllable of the word “peekaboo,” sources looking through an empty paper towel roll announced Thursday that they see you. “I spy with my little eye…someone who is you!” said the…

The ideal home for someone whose husband didn’t disappear six weeks ago after a fight about paper towels. Master bedroom comes with closet full of clothes for a man of medium height who, really, doesn’t deserve to call himself a man.…