Scripture

NINEVEH — After a terrifying three days, the prophet Jonah gathered his Assyrian followers around him to recount the harrowing tale of being tossed into the sea and swallowed by Lizzo, that mighty beast of old."Learn from me, sinners!"…

U.S. — Scholars at Dallas Theological Seminary say they now believe that Jacob's first assessment of Leah was to describe her as "mid"."That one word pretty well summed it up," said Old Testament professor Dr. Stanley Rudder. "Leah was no…

SINAI — Moses, who led God's chosen people out of the land of Egypt, reportedly asked God to part the waters of the Red Sea again real quick after he realized he must have dropped his sunglasses in the midst of the waters.Moses first…

JERSEY SHORE, NJ — With a wedding hanging in the balance after running out of booze, Satan stepped up to miraculously turn water into Bud Light."Wow - thanks, Satan!" exclaimed the groom happily. "Can you pour a glass for the other…

IRAQ — The detailed prophetic dreams of King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon can likely be attributed to an overindulgence of Funyuns and Mountain Dew Baja Blast just before bedtime, say experts.Scholars believe the evidence is undeniable now…

SYRIA — Newly discovered texts from ancient Mesopotamia revealed a Levitical law that any woman who shops at Target will be deemed ritually unclean for a period of seven days."The woman who has crossed the threshold of Target must confess…

Every year, Southern Baptist life centers briefly around the annual convention. As I noted in a previous “Baptist insider” article for The Federalist, the denomination technically only exists for the two days of this convention. As such,…

ISRAEL — King Solomon really broke out the romance, telling his wife today that he truly thinks of her as one in a thousand."I really mean that," said King Solomon. "Though honestly, your neck stands out so much from the others, I'm going…

ISRAEL — Archeologists have uncovered what they believe are the final remains of Sodom and Gomorrah's beloved Target store."You could still make out the display for tuck-friendly tunics," said Dr. Sally Mcneil. "It's clear these perverted…

EDEN — Forgetting the famous saying about leaves of three, Adam came to the horrible realization that something was terribly wrong with his first leafy covering."Good gracious, this thing itches," said Adam, before the old adage about…