Going to church for the first time can be intimidating. It’s like meeting a bunch of weirdos who have their own secret code. Well, it’s not like that. It’s exactly that. Luckily, your friends at The Babylon Bee sent missionaries to local churches to investigate a bunch of their slang words and phrases so we could connect with Christians and learn their ways and customs. We really just want to do life together with them and love on them. Oh no! They’re rubbing off on us! Anyway, here’s what we’ve learned so far:
- Bless her heart: May she burn in hell for all eternity.
- Doing life together: Playing video games, golfing, whatever. Literally anything.
- Love on you: As far as we can tell it just means “love you” but with some unintentional creepiness thrown in for good measure.
- I’ll pray about that: I won’t pray about that, but I totally care about you.
- Brother: A term of endearment you use for someone at church whose name you can’t remember for the life of you.
- Just: A handy word to pack into your prayers when you need to pad them out for time or stall to give you time to come up with what you’re going to pray for next.
- Doctrine: An outdated concept where you all agree on some list of beliefs in the impossible-to-find “about us” section of the church website.
- Women’s Bible study: Work-from-home pyramid scheme.
- I’ve been keeping you in my prayers, brother: I forgot that I was supposed to pray for you until this exact moment and so just whispered a quick prayer in my head a few seconds ago. Also, I forgot your name.
- Gospel-centered: Means literally nothing. Examples: gospel-centered measuring tapes, gospel-centered yoga, gospel-centered nuclear warfare.
- Relevant: Totally irrelevant. Like probably 20 years behind mainstream pop culture.
- I just need to date God for a while: I met a hotter guy.
- Wow, interesting thought: What you just said was the most damnable heresy I’ve ever heard. May God have mercy on your soul.
- I don’t feel called to that ministry opportunity right now: I don’t wanna.
- The Lord is laying this on my heart: I wanna.
- Let’s sing that bridge together one more time: Let’s sing that bridge together 17 more times.
- Too blessed to be stressed: I lost $5,000 selling essential oils from home this month.
- Short-term missions trip: Church-sponsored vacation!
- I stumbled a few times this week: I looked at porn again.
- I’m being persecuted: The Christian meme I posted on Facebook got zero likes.
- Intentional: Kinda like being unintentional but now you say it’s intentional so it’s better.
- Xtreme: A label for youth ministries that are so Extreme the “E” couldn’t even take it anymore and just exploded from all the awesome, relevant, yeet-filled dopeness.
- I’m doing fine: I’m not doing fine.
- Hedge of protection: Praying a hedge of protection is basically having God build a $21 billion border wall around your life.
- Traveling mercies: Mercies that basketball players often pray for after committing a foul.
- Come as you are: You can wear flip-flops at our church.
- Prayer request: Gossip.
- Unspoken prayer request: Probably gout or something really gross.
We hope this is helpful! Drop your favorite Christian slang in the comments and maybe we’ll come up with part two… if our missionaries make it back alive.
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