CAMBRIDGE, MA—With the beginning of a new semester at Harvard University underway, school officials found they had yet to fill the vacant role of head chaplain to lead its campus chaplains. Fortunately, they were able to find the most qualified choice to fill this role, Satan.
“We can’t believe how privileged we are to have Satan himself step into this role of spiritual leadership on our campus,” stated 20-year-old liberal arts major Kip Gooberfitz. “We really identify with his straightforward ideas and teachings about God, specifically the ones where he states we should hate him or not believe in him at all. It’s truly inspiring.”
While some on campus were skeptical with the placement of the father of lies in this role, Satan quickly responded to those concerns.
“Look, I’m only here to help guide these young and impressionable minds down a wide path to success and self-gratification,” said Satan while slyly stroking his chin. “If I can only guide most of these young people to a bright and burning eternal place of torment with me, then I will see this opportunity as a huge success.”
When asked if he would change much of how things were taught previously on campus, Satan cackled and shook his head.
“The professors here have already done a beautiful job of laying out the finer points of my teachings. There is so much hate and strife being sown here that my job will be a devil’s food cake-walk.”
At publishing time a small group of conservative student believers tried to protest this appointment, however, they were quickly rounded up and sacrificed to the new head chaplain.
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