Salvation Super Spreader Event Traced Back To God Who Refused To Social Distance From Humanity

WORLD—Experts have traced the source of a global super spreader event back to a God who refused to social distance from humanity but instead came near, lived among us, and died on a cross. The individual known as Jesus of Nazareth is responsible for the unprecedented spread of salvation, according to researchers.

The 33-year old carpenter turned rabbi was crucified at Golgotha after the mob demanded he be killed for claiming to be God. Supporters explain that His sacrificial death atoned for man’s sins providing salvation for all who placed their trust in Him.

“As a result of this one man’s actions we now have had to face thousands of years of people experiencing salvation,” said Klaus Vandersnout, Satanist leader. “Despite his death on that cross, he had the nerve to come back three days later defeating death itself.”

“He claims to have lived a sinless life and couldn’t even be bothered to wear a mask and protect others,” continued Klaus Vandersnout. “Now his followers continue where he left off, infecting the rest of the world with the ‘Good News’ and not fearing death in the process.”

Those who have since tested positive for salvation say that they are experiencing symptoms such as joy, peace, patience, and kindness. These symptoms appear to stem from the knowledge that they will never die, but instead, go on to live forever with their Creator for eternity. 

At publishing time, experts now believe that salvation will continue to spread until it has infected people of every tribe, tongue, and nation, turning them all into delighted worshipers of God singing His praises forever. They recommend double or even triple skipping church to try and reduce your risk of exposure.

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