LOUISVILLE, KY — Ardent Calvinist Jeremy Dunn has reportedly been predestined from the foundation of the world to spend countless hours online arguing about Calvinism.
“Another Arminian OWNED,” posted Mr. Dunn. “It’s amazing to know my dominating ‘Youth_Pastor_Jake03′ was foreordained by God from before the beginning of time.”
An avowed Calvinist since high school, Mr. Dunn was also predestined to grow a beard and get really into microbreweries. “There’s nothing like sipping on a craft IPA while crushing some theology noob on Twitter,” said Mr. Dunn. “Sadly, I did have to trim my beard when, in accordance with the Lord’s plan, I got a job at Dillard’s. It’s not the best, but the flexible hours leave me time to take online seminary classes. Obviously, it has been predetermined that I will always be working towards a Masters of Divinity.”
Friends and family report that Mr. Dunn’s online arguing has really helped hone his arguments in favor of Calvinism. “The only time I’ve seen Jeremy struggle was when his four-year-old Cooper explained that he was predestined to run naked through Walmart,” said small group leader Eric Ross. “You could see for a moment a hint of doubt — that maybe there was also a touch of insanity inside that airtight logic. I’m actually Calvinist too, but any time our small group has a passage from the book of James, I like to make Jeremy read it. It’s fun to poke the bear.”
At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Dunn was predestined to perpetually remain twelve class hours short of finishing seminary.
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