Following Donald Trump’s indictment on federal charges for attempting to overturn the 2020 election, Mike Pence has made headlines as a potential witness for the prosecution. The Onion sits down with the former vice president to discuss his political principles.
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The Onion: Mike. What’s that short for?
Pence: Saint Michael, the Archangel and Taxiarch, destined to do battle with Satan and slay the Great Dragon.
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The Onion: What have you been doing since you left office?
Pence: I took up some hobbies and am really into DIY conversion therapy now.
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The Onion: How many times a day do you pray?
Pence: Prayer isn’t something you do. It’s just a word we Christians use to deflect blame.
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The Onion: Have you ever met Jesus?
Pence: No. He always RSVPs yes to my parties and then texts me the day of with some lame excuse. It’s like, dude, just be honest and say You don’t want to come.
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The Onion: You’re best known as an evangelical conservative. Well, we have a surprise for you: The Lord Jesus Christ is here!
Pence: Eeeeep!!!! Oh my gosh, do I look okay?
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The Onion: What is your favorite Bible passage?
Pence: Oh, I’m really a fan of any passage that validates my crimes against humanity.
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The Onion: Be honest, are you a virgin?
Pence: Yes, my daughters were born of seed my wife scraped off the sofa.
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The Onion: What would you tell your child if they came out as gay?
Pence: [Speaks in tongues]
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The Onion: Would you ever consider running for president?
Pence: I already announced that I am, but I don’t think the single balloon I bought for the occasion garnered enough attention.
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The Onion: Do you really think you have enough psychopathic supporters to win the Republican nomination the same way DeSantis or Trump might?
Pence: Don’t be so skeptical. There are a lot of religious nutjobs in this country frothing at the mouth to have a president who will execute anyone not following God’s laws.
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The Onion: What distinguishes you from the rest of the 2024 field?
Pence: I staunchly believe I am the lumpiest and most chapped of the candidates.
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The Onion: What is your campaign’s greatest strength?
Pence: I think Republican voters will connect with the fact that just like them, Donald Trump doesn’t care if I live or die.
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The Onion: How would you describe the current state of the Republican party?
Pence: The party right now has allowed too much influence from the “alt-right” and other extremists. The Republican party needs to get back to feigning respectability while supporting policies that are violently oppressive.
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The Onion: Do you honestly think you’ll win the nomination?
Pence: I believe all will follow the Lord’s divine plan. So obviously it’s going to be Trump.
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The Onion: What were you doing before Trump picked you to be his VP?
Pence: I was eking out a living doing door-to-door baptisms.
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The Onion: Would you accept if Trump asked you to be his VP again?
Pence: Are you kidding? I’m desperate. I have no standards or scruples or shame. I’d do it in a heartbeat.
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The Onion: If you weren’t in politics, what would you be doing?
Pence: I would be one of the Lord’s most devoted apostles, shooting up any mosque or synagogue or Planned Parenthood He asked me to.
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The Onion: What are your views on China?
Pence: The Chinese are quite mysterious, as little is written about them in either the New or Old Testament.
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The Onion: What is your favorite church hymn?
Pence: My faith forbids men from singing.
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The Onion: Favorite movie?
Pence: Christian Home Videos Presents: How To Resist Your Urges
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The Onion: Are you a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda?
Pence: I’m a Carrie, obviously.
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The Onion: Is it true you had a career in talk radio before entering public office?
Pence: Yes. I’m living, breathing proof that if your ambitions in show business don’t work out, you’ll always have a place as a psychotic right-wing politician.
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The Onion: How do you keep your hair so white?
Pence: Twice daily Crest head-whitening strips.
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The Onion: How many abortions have you had?
Pence: Three, maybe four.
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