LAHAINA, HI—Beaming as he thrust a shovel into the ground of the charred and tangled wreckage, President Joe Biden visited Maui Monday to promote the island’s new multibillion-dollar devastation. “Today, I am honored as your president to break ground on this brand-new, state-of-the-art swath of twisted metal and ash,” said a visibly elated Biden, who added that the project was no small feat and had taken years of careful corruption, neglect, and negligence to accomplish. “First and foremost, thank you to the many individuals whose hard work and dedication made this vast swath of death and destruction possible. We couldn’t have done it alone. And because of you, this American-made disaster will ensure we continue to invest in American suffering for decades to come.” At press time, Biden celebrated by setting off fireworks that immediately brought about another island-wide fire.
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