Best Christmas Gifts For Christians Of Each Denomination

Christians can be hard to buy gifts for. You’ve gotta know what they’re into, what kinds of gifts they’d consider sinful, and most of all, what denomination they’re a part of. There’s no holiday faux pas like accidentally gifting a John MacArthur book to a charismatic. Avoid embarrassment this year by following our handy guide to which Christmas gifts Christians of each denomination will be most pleased by:

• Baptists: Tupperware for casserole storage – best complemented with a diabetes test kit.
• Pentecostals: A Duolingo subscription for translating all those confusing tongues. They’ll definitely say Gracias! to this one.
• Universalist Unitarians: Nothing since there’s no God and life is meaningless and we’re all just atoms dancing to the random firing of synapses in our brains. Pair with a nice card.
• Calvary Chapel…ites: A 6-foot-long fold-out Rapture chart.
• Catholics: A bumper sticker that says “Miss me yet?” with a picture of Pope Benedict.
• Eastern Orthodox: Gift subscription of Jeremy’s Razors.
• Russian Orthodox: Folding chair.
• Presbyterians: 48-pack of a rich imperial stout at 12% ABV – he’ll be so appreciative as he polishes this off in one night while reading Calvin’s Institutes.
• Episcopalians: Mannequins to fill up those empty church pews.
• Anglicans: Shirt that says “I got 99 problems but a Pope ain’t one.”
• Lutherans (good kind): Give them a note telling them to go outside. When they look up, a plane is skywriting the entire text of Luther’s Bondage of the Will in the heavens. Maybe also a fruitcake.
• Lutherans (gay kind): A gospel tract.
• Methodist: The ghost of John Wesley in a box. Upon opening he will haunt them until they return to the old ways.
• King James Only believer: An expensive, leather-bound copy of The Message.
• Member of a Church of Christ: An ornate, handcrafted, gold-plated pitch pipe.
• Megachurch-goer: Annual priority church parking pass.
• Attendee of Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church: A Bible.

That exhausts all the Christian denominations that exist. Or our writer just got tired because it’s almost the weekend. One of the two. Anyway, hope this helps!

Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.

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