Christians can be hard to buy gifts for. You’ve gotta know what they’re into, what kinds of gifts they’d consider sinful, and most of all, what denomination they’re a part of. There’s no holiday faux pas like accidentally gifting a John MacArthur book to a charismatic. Avoid embarrassment this year by following our handy guide to which Christmas gifts Christians of each denomination will be most pleased by:
- Baptists: Tupperware for casserole storage – best complemented with a diabetes test kit.
- Pentecostals: A Duolingo subscription for translating all those confusing tongues. They’ll definitely say Gracias! to this one.
- Universalist Unitarians: Nothing since there’s no God and life is meaningless and we’re all just atoms dancing to the random firing of synapses in our brains. Pair with a nice card.
- Calvary Chapel…ites: A 6-foot-long fold-out Rapture chart.
- Catholics: A bumper sticker that says “Miss me yet?” with a picture of Pope Benedict.
- Eastern Orthodox: Gift subscription of Jeremy’s Razors.
- Russian Orthodox: Folding chair.
- Presbyterians: 48-pack of a rich imperial stout at 12% ABV – he’ll be so appreciative as he polishes this off in one night while reading Calvin’s Institutes.
- Episcopalians: Mannequins to fill up those empty church pews.
- Anglicans: Shirt that says “I got 99 problems but a Pope ain’t one.”
- Lutherans (good kind): Give them a note telling them to go outside. When they look up, a plane is skywriting the entire text of Luther’s Bondage of the Will in the heavens. Maybe also a fruitcake.
- Lutherans (gay kind): A gospel tract.
- Methodist: The ghost of John Wesley in a box. Upon opening he will haunt them until they return to the old ways.
- King James Only believer: An expensive, leather-bound copy of The Message.
- Member of a Church of Christ: An ornate, handcrafted, gold-plated pitch pipe.
- Megachurch-goer: Annual priority church parking pass.
- Attendee of Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church: A Bible.
That exhausts all the Christian denominations that exist. Or our writer just got tired because it’s almost the weekend. One of the two. Anyway, hope this helps!
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.
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Babylon Bee
Jesus Christ is King
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