We Asked 13 Evangelical Leaders What Their New Year’s Resolutions Were, And Here’s What They Said

It’s a New Year, which means it’s time to make resolutions — even for prominent evangelical leaders. The Babylon Bee asked the following well-known figures in the faith what they hope to accomplish in 2024:

• Joel Osteen: Deceive twice as many people as last year
• John MacArthur: Finally kick root beer addiction
• Paul Washer: An increase of 15% in the number of Christians questioning their salvation
• Andy Stanley: Pastor the first all-gay megachurch
• Brian McLaren: Read the Bible for the first time ever
• John Piper: Finally complete the seashell collection
• Doug Wilson: Make one friend
• Rick Warren: Release The Purpose-Driven Life for Possums
• Stephen Furtick: 24-inch biceps
• Beth Moore: Release a new line of sacred feminine moon crystals
• Francis Chan: Continue making everyone who loved his work think he’s gone crazy
• Kenneth Copeland: Cast horde of dragon-swine-cow demons out of the lavatory in the Gulfstream jet
• Alistair Begg: Convert everyone to speaking in a Scottish accent
• Phil Vischer: Call more things racist
• Ray Comfort: Finally memorize the 10 Commandments
• Benny Hinn: Increase profits by 400%
• David French: Perform in a drag show

Here’s to 2024! The Babylon Bee hopes you make good on your resolutions. Some of you, at least.

As the country slowly increases in racism and right-wing bigotry, it’s important to ensure you don’t get caught up in their evil MAGA ways.

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