Biden Recalls Speaking To Dead European Leaders Often As They Beckon Him Toward The Light

NEW YORK—Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made by mistake, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to dead European leaders all the time as they beckon him toward the light. “That was not a gaffe—I distinctly remember Helmut Kohl telling me the other day that it was time to let go and step into the light,” said the 81-year-old commander in chief, adding that a glowing apparition of Kohl appears to him at the end of a tunnel all the time, typically summoning him to the other side with a peaceful come-hither motion. “Despite what my critics would have you believe, I maintain an active relationship with Helmut and Francois [Mitterrand], and often take counsel from them on crossing over to the spirit realm, as well as other various matters of politics. Just the other day, they were whispering to me that all of this suffering and toil will soon be over once I accept the warm embrace of eternal rest. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to walk up that gleaming staircase to greet my late mother, Queen Elizabeth, and St. Peter, all of whom are waving at me from that fluffy cloud.” At press time, President Biden had clarified that, to be fair, former German chancellor Angela Merkel has also tried to convince him many times to give up his corporeal form.