Ways Donald Trump Could Raise His $454 Million Bond

If he buys a ton of tickets, like 100, then, statistically, it’s almost impossible for him to lose.

He wasn’t paying much attention at the funeral, but he’s 80% certain she’s got on a pair of diamond studs.

That’s $13.50 right there.

He can google “richest women in the U.S.” and go from there.

Cha-ching!

All Trump has to do is eat 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes tens of thousands of times, and he’s in the clear.

Worked for Steve Jobs.

The courts will be none the wiser.

That guy is clearly loaded.

Ride the Onion rocket to the moon!

Judge Arthur Engoron has been sympathetic in the past to the argument that the fiat currency we see in our bank accounts is just numbers on a screen untethered from any physical reality.

What Palm Beach County officials don’t know won’t hurt them.

He could get seven or eight dollars for those charming crafts.

The New York court system has said they’re open to accepting Macy’s bucks.

As long as it’s linked to Trump’s Bitcoin wallet, the former president will receive all of the tips earned by his eldest son.

The average Aldi customer racks up nearly $500 billion in savings in a weekly shopping trip.

Foot freaks would pay untold amounts of cash for a single photo of the former president’s twinklers.

By putting his youngest son on the stock market, Trump could net an estimated $3 billion overnight.

What better way to raise half a billion dollars than going into a glass tank and trying to grab as many $1 bills as you can?

His supporters are constantly talking about this, so that must mean there’s a hole in the market.

And if he chooses to receive his payment in the form of a Domino’s gift card, he won’t even have to pay a fee.

They could easily fetch $15 a jar for the delicious mix of Concord grape and Bograč, a Slovenian meat stew.

In great condition. Pick up in Palm Beach.

It’s worked with every other court case—why not try with this one?