The Onion Has Used The Funds From Its Click Drive To Purchase A Jet Ski

CHICAGO—As a capstone to a record-breaking day for the internationally recognized brand’s views and advertising revenue, The Onion released a statement Wednesday confirming that it had used all of the funds raised from its annual Click Drive to purchase a Yamaha WaveRunner VX series. “Following a massive haul that produced nearly 15 trillion pageviews and exponentially increased click-through rates, The Onion’s editorial board has approved the purchase from a motivated seller of a used Yamaha Jet Ski in good condition,” the statement read in part, describing the recreational watercraft as a “blast to handle out on the lake” and noting that its waterproof sound system even allowed riders to blast Eric Church or Luke Combs albums while jumping waves. “We’ve already hosted a retreat for members of the executive team, and everyone had a lot of fun out there, cracking open Miller Lites and just drinking in the sunshine. And remember, this is all because of readers like you. So thank you. You made this possible. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” At press time, The Onion had rapidly launched a second Click Drive after a small unnoticed hole in the Jet Ski’s hull caused it to sink only a few hours into use.