Welcome To The Onion’s Click Drive. Thanks to the generous clicks of readers like yourself, we’re able to keep invaluable journalistic projects going:
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Projects like our journal of North Korean propaganda, 위대한 지도자 김정은, created in partnership with Kim Jong-Un’s State Affairs Commission.
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And our investigative nonprofit Doxology, which compiles a complete list of every known journalist’s home address, family members, and last known GPS location.
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Did you know that by clicking on this slideshow, you can unlock all kinds of great rewards and badges?
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In fact, you’re only five clicks away from unlocking your first badge.
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Soon you’ll be recognized for your highly regarded clicking.
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You are so much closer to finally being honored for your achievements in clicking.
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We know you’re tired and exhausted, just keep going…
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There’s the horizon. You’re so close!
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Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Onion Silver Award!
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It’s not going to be easy, but click through these ecosystems to reach the next award tier.
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Only a few more clicks and you’ll make it through the sand ecosystem.
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Rub your clicks together to stay warm in the snow ecosystem.
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Keep clicking to reach the other side of the sheep ecosystem.
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Yippee! You just unlocked the Onion Ruby Award for Honor—a badge bestowed on only the top 5% of Onion clickers!
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Here’s another great way to support The Onion: Donate your car.
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Are we a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization? Who cares!
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Give us the fucking car.
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Sorry, we lost our cool there. What we meant to say was, we would be honored if you chose to donate your car to us.
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Your kids can walk to daycare. Give us your car.
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Without clicks from generous readers like you, our fear-mongering and smear campaigns simply would not be possible.
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Hey, while you’re clicking, mind if we vent a little?
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Work’s been super crazy lately.
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We just feel, like, overwhelmed all the time.
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Last week, we totally snapped and slapped our boss across the face.
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His head flew off his neck.
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It killed him.
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We’re hoping to get off on manslaughter charges. Sorry if this is all too much, by the way. We can get back to talking about click stuff if this is too personal.
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We’ve got hundreds of amazing, dedicated child slaves standing by to count your clicks!
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All of this clicking you’re doing is good and normal.
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You are a normal person.
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People respect you.
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Clicking 389 times in a slideshow is what stable people do.
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Your life is going well.
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Oh, man. You’ve been clicking up a storm, and now you reek.
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Free spritz of perfume? This one’s called Tanker.
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This one’s called Flute, by Mr. Flute.
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This one’s named Vivivivivivivivivivia.
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Maybe a dab of Twilight Girdle to top things off. There you go, fresh as a daisy.
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The Onion would like to thank you for offering your body in service of our mission to control your mind.
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We’ve got Terry Gross. If you don’t click enough, Terry gets it. Right, Terry?
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Terry says you better click, or you’ll never hear Fresh Air again.
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Terry, would you like to lead this next section of the drive? Terry really likes our shirts. Let her lead you through.
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The Onion is a 100% eco-negligent operation that runs exclusively on plastic fumes and your clicks. Sadly, the world is running out of plastic for us to burn in our ovens, so we need your clicks now more than ever.
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If you click just 100 more times, you’ll get this certified Onion tote, filled to the brim with teeth.
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Just 99 more times. Think about all those teeth.
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You’ll be the talk of the office.
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“Where did you get all those teeth?”
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These beautiful teeth are suitable for a night out on the town at the finest hotel lobby.
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Or they’re perfect for when you’re curling up on the couch and watching electron beams.
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These teeth were harvested from the finest mouths and come in a variety of fashionable styles and classy shapes.
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Men’s teeth
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Lady teeth
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Sweet bundles of joy absolutely packed with teeth
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Business teeth
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Evening teeth
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Administrative teeth
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Safety teeth
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General teeth
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Casual teeth
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Electrical teeth
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Maritime teeth
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But that’s not all—there’s more teeth! Ideal for chewing or swallowing. But we desperately need you to keep clicking.
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Sand teeth
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Corn teeth
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Casket teeth
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Ham teeth
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Snowman teeth
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Barge teeth
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Flamenco teeth, suitable for clenching a single rose
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Donkey teeth
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Centipede teeth
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Downtown teeth
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Queen teeth
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Company teeth
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Bread teeth
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Sister teeth
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Owl teeth
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Powder teeth
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Beef teeth
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Ghost teeth
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Calculator teeth
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Sky teeth
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Hybrid teeth
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Sperm teeth
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Pilgrim teeth
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Micro-teeth
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Classified teeth
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Therapeutic teeth
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Oh shoot, we gave away the last tote. Unfortunately, you needed to be a little quicker with those clicks. But keep going! Who knows what gifts might be waiting for you!
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Reward For Generous Donors! One Intimate Night With Klaus Rosling Zweibel
Our 93-year-old bad boy associate sports editor has long drawn outrage for his hot takes on the world of cricket and equestrianism—but his body will be all yours if you donate upwards of 80,000 clicks right now!
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You look tired. Maybe it’s time for a click break. Let’s call in a substitute to click for you.
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This is James, a professional clicker.
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He’s going to train you on the best ways to click!
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Lift your finger. And up, and down. And up, and down. And up, and down.
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Now for your protein shake. Drink the whole thing.
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Now, 12 raw eggs. Click through all 12 raw eggs.
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Oh my God. You vomited.
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Raffle time! That’s right, every click you make for the next 30 seconds is another entry into our raffle.
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Enter now for your chance to win a stunning picture of a whistle.
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But don’t just click for us. Click for them.
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These sad, old, horny babies have no one to spank them.
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For just 10 clicks a day, you can provide a whole week’s worth of spanks for a buttock in need.
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Just look at how happy this baby named Paul Sayers, DDS feels now that his bum has been properly reddened.
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So please, don’t just scroll away. Please keep clicking. Dozens of sagging baby glutes are relying on you.
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When you click on an Onion article, you do more than just click. You become a witness in the murder case the Manhattan DA’s office is leveraging against us.
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You’ve unlocked The Onion’s gold tier! As part of the gold tier, you get to kill one member of The Onion’s team!
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Who will it be? Our social media guy? Our head of sales?
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Great choice! You’ve chosen our front desk guy, Marshall!
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Oh no, Marshall has escaped. Click through the website to find him!
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Is he behind the banner ad? Click to find out!
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Nope, not there.
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Is he behind our local tab?
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Nope! But oh man, it’s dusty. No one ever clicks here.
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Is he behind the Taboola ad for the conjoined twins with the big tits?
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There he is. Say good night, Marshall!
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You’ll need to take a urine test to continue clicking.
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You’ve tested positive for click-enhancing drugs.
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You’ve been fined 10,000 clicks. To the punishment corner. Now, click through this nun hitting you with a ruler.
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Because it is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization, clicks on The Onion are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.
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Excuse us, have you been clicking other websites? We can smell it on you.
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Let us smell your finger.
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And whose digital underwear is this? How could you?
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We work so hard to put out all this content.
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We even made an article about Jeffrey Epstein because we know you love him so much.
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Who was she? Business Insider? Tell us.
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Well, you’re in the doghouse. Click around to try and get yourself out.
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Hurry, click back, before you’re stuck in the void!
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Ah! Why is it so cold here? And what’s that, in the shadows? Click to find out.
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Grandma, you’re alive?
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Yes. That’s her. And she’s dating Saddam Hussein now? Ah! Click away!
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Phew. You’re back.
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Here’s our Click Drive Display-O-Matic Click Counter. Wow, this is incredible!
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BREAKING WEATHER REPORT
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We interrupt this Click Drive to warn of a turbulent wind flood affecting the area.
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Anyone in the vicinity of this slideshow should begin clicking to higher ground.
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Higher
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Higher
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Higher
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Higher
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Too high! Too high! Click to lower ground!
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Lower
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Lower
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Lower
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Lower
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Oh no, you’ve clicked yourself into amnesia. Click through these memories to try to get it back.
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Give us the fucking car.
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People respect you.
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.
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We’ve got Terry Gross. If you don’t click enough, Terry gets it. Right, Terry?
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This one’s called Flute, by Mr. Flute.
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Powder teeth
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This is James, a professional clicker.
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Sand teeth
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You are a normal person.
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Maritime teeth
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You’ve tested positive for click-enhancing drugs.
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Work’s been super crazy lately.
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Administrative teeth
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You did it! You now remember every painful moment of your excruciating life.
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Sorry to bring this up on such late notice, but your clicking failed to register. We need you to start over.
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