Welcome To The Onion’s Click Drive. Thanks to the generous clicks of readers like yourself, we’re able to keep invaluable journalistic projects going:
Advertisement
Projects like our journal of North Korean propaganda, 위대한 지도자 김정은, created in partnership with Kim Jong-Un’s State Affairs Commission.
Advertisement
And our investigative nonprofit Doxology, which compiles a complete list of every known journalist’s home address, family members, and last known GPS location.
Advertisement
Did you know that by clicking on this slideshow, you can unlock all kinds of great rewards and badges?
Advertisement
In fact, you’re only five clicks away from unlocking your first badge.
Advertisement
Soon you’ll be recognized for your highly regarded clicking.
Advertisement
You are so much closer to finally being honored for your achievements in clicking.
Advertisement
We know you’re tired and exhausted, just keep going…
Advertisement
There’s the horizon. You’re so close!
Advertisement
Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Onion Silver Award!
Advertisement
It’s not going to be easy, but click through these ecosystems to reach the next award tier.
Advertisement
Only a few more clicks and you’ll make it through the sand ecosystem.
Advertisement
Rub your clicks together to stay warm in the snow ecosystem.
Advertisement
Keep clicking to reach the other side of the sheep ecosystem.
Advertisement
Yippee! You just unlocked the Onion Ruby Award for Honor—a badge bestowed on only the top 5% of Onion clickers!
Advertisement
Advertisement
Here’s another great way to support The Onion: Donate your car.
Advertisement
Are we a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization? Who cares!
Advertisement
Give us the fucking car.
Advertisement
Sorry, we lost our cool there. What we meant to say was, we would be honored if you chose to donate your car to us.
Advertisement
Your kids can walk to daycare. Give us your car.
Advertisement
Without clicks from generous readers like you, our fear-mongering and smear campaigns simply would not be possible.
Advertisement
Hey, while you’re clicking, mind if we vent a little?
Advertisement
Work’s been super crazy lately.
Advertisement
We just feel, like, overwhelmed all the time.
Advertisement
Last week, we totally snapped and slapped our boss across the face.
Advertisement
His head flew off his neck.
Advertisement
It killed him.
Advertisement
We’re hoping to get off on manslaughter charges. Sorry if this is all too much, by the way. We can get back to talking about click stuff if this is too personal.
Advertisement
We’ve got hundreds of amazing, dedicated child slaves standing by to count your clicks!
Advertisement
All of this clicking you’re doing is good and normal.
Advertisement
You are a normal person.
Advertisement
People respect you.
Advertisement
Clicking 389 times in a slideshow is what stable people do.
Advertisement
Your life is going well.
Advertisement
Oh, man. You’ve been clicking up a storm, and now you reek.
Advertisement
Free spritz of perfume? This one’s called Tanker.
Advertisement
This one’s called Flute, by Mr. Flute.
Advertisement
This one’s named Vivivivivivivivivivia.
Advertisement
Maybe a dab of Twilight Girdle to top things off. There you go, fresh as a daisy.
Advertisement
The Onion would like to thank you for offering your body in service of our mission to control your mind.
Advertisement
We’ve got Terry Gross. If you don’t click enough, Terry gets it. Right, Terry?
Advertisement
Terry says you better click, or you’ll never hear Fresh Air again.
Advertisement
Terry, would you like to lead this next section of the drive? Terry really likes our shirts. Let her lead you through.
Advertisement
The Onion is a 100% eco-negligent operation that runs exclusively on plastic fumes and your clicks. Sadly, the world is running out of plastic for us to burn in our ovens, so we need your clicks now more than ever.
Advertisement
If you click just 100 more times, you’ll get this certified Onion tote, filled to the brim with teeth.
Advertisement
Just 99 more times. Think about all those teeth.
Advertisement
You’ll be the talk of the office.
Advertisement
“Where did you get all those teeth?”
Advertisement
These beautiful teeth are suitable for a night out on the town at the finest hotel lobby.
Advertisement
Or they’re perfect for when you’re curling up on the couch and watching electron beams.
Advertisement
These teeth were harvested from the finest mouths and come in a variety of fashionable styles and classy shapes.
Advertisement
Men’s teeth
Advertisement
Lady teeth
Advertisement
Sweet bundles of joy absolutely packed with teeth
Advertisement
Business teeth
Advertisement
Evening teeth
Advertisement
Administrative teeth
Advertisement
Safety teeth
Advertisement
General teeth
Advertisement
Casual teeth
Advertisement
Electrical teeth
Advertisement
Maritime teeth
Advertisement
But that’s not all—there’s more teeth! Ideal for chewing or swallowing. But we desperately need you to keep clicking.
Advertisement
Sand teeth
Advertisement
Corn teeth
Advertisement
Casket teeth
Advertisement
Ham teeth
Advertisement
Snowman teeth
Advertisement
Barge teeth
Advertisement
Flamenco teeth, suitable for clenching a single rose
Advertisement
Donkey teeth
Advertisement
Centipede teeth
Advertisement
Downtown teeth
Advertisement
Queen teeth
Advertisement
Company teeth
Advertisement
Bread teeth
Advertisement
Sister teeth
Advertisement
Owl teeth
Advertisement
Powder teeth
Advertisement
Beef teeth
Advertisement
Ghost teeth
Advertisement
Calculator teeth
Advertisement
Sky teeth
Advertisement
Hybrid teeth
Advertisement
Sperm teeth
Advertisement
Pilgrim teeth
Advertisement
Micro-teeth
Advertisement
Classified teeth
Advertisement
Therapeutic teeth
Advertisement
Oh shoot, we gave away the last tote. Unfortunately, you needed to be a little quicker with those clicks. But keep going! Who knows what gifts might be waiting for you!
Advertisement
Reward For Generous Donors! One Intimate Night With Klaus Rosling Zweibel
Our 93-year-old bad boy associate sports editor has long drawn outrage for his hot takes on the world of cricket and equestrianism—but his body will be all yours if you donate upwards of 80,000 clicks right now!
Advertisement
You look tired. Maybe it’s time for a click break. Let’s call in a substitute to click for you.
Advertisement
This is James, a professional clicker.
Advertisement
He’s going to train you on the best ways to click!
Advertisement
Lift your finger. And up, and down. And up, and down. And up, and down.
Advertisement
Now for your protein shake. Drink the whole thing.
Advertisement
Now, 12 raw eggs. Click through all 12 raw eggs.
Advertisement
1
Advertisement
2
Advertisement
3
Advertisement
4
Advertisement
5
Advertisement
6
Advertisement
7
Advertisement
8
Advertisement
9
Advertisement
10
Advertisement
11
Advertisement
Oh my God. You vomited.
Advertisement
Raffle time! That’s right, every click you make for the next 30 seconds is another entry into our raffle.
Advertisement
Enter now for your chance to win a stunning picture of a whistle.
Advertisement
But don’t just click for us. Click for them.
Advertisement
These sad, old, horny babies have no one to spank them.
Advertisement
For just 10 clicks a day, you can provide a whole week’s worth of spanks for a buttock in need.
Advertisement
Just look at how happy this baby named Paul Sayers, DDS feels now that his bum has been properly reddened.
Advertisement
So please, don’t just scroll away. Please keep clicking. Dozens of sagging baby glutes are relying on you.
Advertisement
When you click on an Onion article, you do more than just click. You become a witness in the murder case the Manhattan DA’s office is leveraging against us.
Advertisement
You’ve unlocked The Onion’s gold tier! As part of the gold tier, you get to kill one member of The Onion’s team!
Advertisement
Who will it be? Our social media guy? Our head of sales?
Advertisement
Great choice! You’ve chosen our front desk guy, Marshall!
Advertisement
Oh no, Marshall has escaped. Click through the website to find him!
Advertisement
Is he behind the banner ad? Click to find out!
Advertisement
Nope, not there.
Advertisement
Is he behind our local tab?
Advertisement
Nope! But oh man, it’s dusty. No one ever clicks here.
Advertisement
Is he behind the Taboola ad for the conjoined twins with the big tits?
Advertisement
There he is. Say good night, Marshall!
Advertisement
You’ll need to take a urine test to continue clicking.
Advertisement
You’ve tested positive for click-enhancing drugs.
Advertisement
You’ve been fined 10,000 clicks. To the punishment corner. Now, click through this nun hitting you with a ruler.
Advertisement
One
Advertisement
Two
Advertisement
Three
Advertisement
Because it is a 501(c)(3) charitable organization, clicks on The Onion are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law.
Advertisement
Excuse us, have you been clicking other websites? We can smell it on you.
Advertisement
Let us smell your finger.
Advertisement
And whose digital underwear is this? How could you?
Advertisement
We work so hard to put out all this content.
Advertisement
We even made an article about Jeffrey Epstein because we know you love him so much.
Advertisement
Who was she? Business Insider? Tell us.
Advertisement
Well, you’re in the doghouse. Click around to try and get yourself out.
Advertisement
Advertisement
Hurry, click back, before you’re stuck in the void!
Advertisement
Ah! Why is it so cold here? And what’s that, in the shadows? Click to find out.
Advertisement
Grandma, you’re alive?
Advertisement
Yes. That’s her. And she’s dating Saddam Hussein now? Ah! Click away!
Advertisement
Phew. You’re back.
Advertisement
Here’s our Click Drive Display-O-Matic Click Counter. Wow, this is incredible!
Advertisement
BREAKING WEATHER REPORT
Advertisement
We interrupt this Click Drive to warn of a turbulent wind flood affecting the area.
Advertisement
Anyone in the vicinity of this slideshow should begin clicking to higher ground.
Advertisement
Higher
Advertisement
Higher
Advertisement
Higher
Advertisement
Higher
Advertisement
Too high! Too high! Click to lower ground!
Advertisement
Lower
Advertisement
Lower
Advertisement
Lower
Advertisement
Lower
Advertisement
Oh no, you’ve clicked yourself into amnesia. Click through these memories to try to get it back.
Advertisement
Give us the fucking car.
Advertisement
People respect you.
Advertisement
.
Advertisement
We’ve got Terry Gross. If you don’t click enough, Terry gets it. Right, Terry?
Advertisement
This one’s called Flute, by Mr. Flute.
Advertisement
Powder teeth
Advertisement
This is James, a professional clicker.
Advertisement
Sand teeth
Advertisement
You are a normal person.
Advertisement
Maritime teeth
Advertisement
You’ve tested positive for click-enhancing drugs.
Advertisement
Work’s been super crazy lately.
Advertisement
Administrative teeth
Advertisement
You did it! You now remember every painful moment of your excruciating life.
Advertisement
Sorry to bring this up on such late notice, but your clicking failed to register. We need you to start over.
Advertisement
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.