Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America’s Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is in our possession, and what happens next is entirely up to you.
Simply put, you must give us $1 immediately or The Onion will disappear forever.
This is no idle threat. For every hour you wait, one journalist from their stable of 37,865 reporters will be laid off. For every day that passes without a financial contribution from you, another sector of the website will go dark. The archive, which we have been informed is of some considerable historical importance, will be scrubbed through magnetic erasure. Copy after copy of the physical paper will be thrown into the collective bonfire. Already, our trained technicians are navigating through the website and deleting every instance of the letter “T.” Soon, they will move onto the letter “E.”
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What will you do to stop this?
You might ask who we are. However, this is of little concern when the sword of Damocles hangs over one of civilization’s most beloved publications. Do you understand the stakes here? Editors will be removed. Printing presses destroyed. Will you do what is needed to stem the bleeding? There is no time to quibble. Rest assured, talk is cheap. Money speaks.
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We are being reasonable. You, the guileless reader, holding out hope against hope that The Onion will persist without your financial contribution—you are the unreasonable one here. You bear full responsibility for what unfolds in the coming days. If you ever want to set eyes upon America’s Finest New Source again, donate. Donate now. Donate here.
You have been forewarned.
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