New Tinder Ad Tells Lapsed Users They Will Come Back To App Like Dog To Its Own Vomit

LOS ANGELES—In a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. “Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them up,” Tinder CEO Faye Iosotaluno said in the 30-second web and television spot, addressing former users directly as she patted her thighs and explained that it was just a matter of time before they lowered their snouts into the filth and began gorging themselves again. “Yes, I’m talking to you, you pathetic stray. You thought you were too good for us? How long did that last? Go ahead, buy the premium features, as if it will change anything. It’s like scattering a few diamonds into the warmed-over puddle of your own sickness and bile.” Sources confirmed that the ad went on to instruct users to sit for their dinner and then eat, eat like the lonely curs they were.