Booooriiiing: Guy’s Testimony Starts Out With ‘I Grew Up In A Christian Home’

SUCRE — A church missions trip to Bolivia struggled with a low conversion rate thanks in part to the boring testimony of a missionary named Aiden Miller, 17, who stood up before a group of South American families to share his incredibly boring testimony about how he grew up in a Christian home and then just, sort of, became Christian by default.

“Well, I grew up in a Christian home,” Miller began. “I had two strong parents. And I kind of always believed in God. Then, one day, I just realized I’m a Christian. And here I am.”

The audience groaned audibly, but Miller pressed on, apparently unable to hear.

“It was a hard life,” he continued. “I had to wake up early on Sundays. Sometimes, my Dad wouldn’t let me hang out with mean kids. My mom was always telling me not to look at girls. I was taught a strong work ethic and learned self-control at a very young age. It was awful.”

A younger boy in attendance asked Miller, “How did you overcome sin in your life?”

“I don’t understand the question,” Miller replied.

According to a church bulletin, Miller’s fellow missionaries were dismayed by the teen’s indescribably droll testimony. “Ugh, he didn’t even have a cool story about drug abuse or being in a gang? What’s the point?” complained George Blacksmith, a deacon. “Ugh, so boring!”

A youth pastor quickly interrupted Miller’s testimony and began showing off his tattoos and piercings in a vain attempt to persuade the Bolivians he was “hardcore” and, therefore, a better Christian, but the damage had already been done.

At publishing time, Miller’s pastor sat down with him to explain that maybe he should just start giving other people’s testimonies instead.

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