PORTLAND, OR — Sources close to local atheist Dave Mahler say that the 35-year old recently gave himself a severe reprimand after briefly admiring the beauty of the sun setting over the Pacific last night.
“Stop it, Dave! They’re just meaningless particles,” said Dave, bravely resisting the temptation to soak in the breathtaking view. “It’s an emergent evolutionary trick that light refraction causes a pleasing chemical release in my brain! Don’t be fooled, Dave!”
According to Mahler, he was momentarily overcome by incredible beauty before realizing that he had the urge to feel thankful. “I was just so disappointed in myself, you know?” Mahler noted, still shaking his head over his amateur atheist mistake. “It took me a moment to come back to my senses and remember that there was nothing to be thankful for. It was a close call.”
Eyewitnesses report that after Mahler finished his half-hour sermon to himself on why there is nothing objectively good or beautiful, he had the misfortune of seeing a toddler laugh with delight while playing in the waves with his dad. “Nope, not falling for it,” said Mahler, straining to feel nothing. “Nothing but evolution tempting me to procreate by releasing dopamine when a child laughs. I will not be fooled!”
At publishing time, Mahler had started yelling at himself again after eating a breakfast burrito caused him to again wonder if there might, in fact, be a good and loving God.
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