HEAVEN — Church elder and Duck Dynasty star Phil Robertson came face to face with consequences this week after he was caught up to paradise, where 12 million angry ducks awaited him.
Robertson, the devout Christian founder of Duck Commander, a store specializing in gear for duck murder, was found dead following a battle with Alzheimer’s disease at the age of 79. In his life, he had allegedly murdered millions of ducks.
“Have mercy! I’m sorry, it was just a harmless hobby!” Robertson reportedly yelled as he ran from a great cloud of ducks that swirled all around him. “Don’t hold it against me! You’re delicious and fun to shoot!”
“We are not so merciful, Commander,” said John Mallard, a duck gifted with tongues. “Ducks! Attack!”
According to witnesses, a mighty flock of ducks appeared like sea of locusts and descended upon him just as Paul the Apostle was beginning the orientation tour. He was chased away to his own mansion and forced to barricade himself indoors as ducks circled overhead.
“We can do this all day, Commander!” Mallard quacked. “Ducks don’t get tired in Heaven!”
The dramatic event was witnessed by former American presidents Abraham Lincoln and James A. Garfield.
At publishing time, Phil Robertson had arrived at the wedding feast of the lamb with enough duck a l’orange for everyone.
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