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Chrystia Freeland steps down after fixing Canadian economy
OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy.
“I’m a firm believe that when a job is done, you don’t stick…
Time Magazine strains definition of “Person”
NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit.
“He was born of man, consumes organic resources to…
Trudeau orders end to Canada Post strike after learning Santa Claus not real
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country this December, is not in fact real.
PMO insiders…
Trudeau unveils new campaign slogan: “I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave”
OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying…
“It’s ‘tax Christmas,’ not ‘tax holiday,’” says local culture warrior
WATERLOO, ON ― With the GST break coming into effect, petty, irate, and aptly-named 46-year-old woman Karen Thorpe recently castigated a teenaged cashier for blaspheming against the Lord by using the inclusive term ‘tax holiday.’
“This is a…
Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
According to a recent poll, about 13% of Canadians support Donald Trump’s recent suggestion that Canada become the 51st state. Naturally we wanted to ask them “what the fuck is wrong with you?!” But instead we went with “why?” See More:…
Breaking: doctors starting to suspect that women’s bodies work differently than men’s
REGINA, SK – In a groundbreaking speech, Dr. Jeremy Edgar of Fairmont Grover Health Research Institute, delivered new findings that the female body may have innate biological differences than male bodies.
“This goes way beyond boobies and…
Ontario passes bill allowing bike paths that lead to walls with tunnels painted on them
TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the image of a tunnel painted on it. The government has…
Leafs confident they’ll keep winning as long as they get the best goaltending in the league every…
TORONTO – As they continue to win games despite being completely unable to score goals, the Toronto Maple Leafs players and coaches expressed confidence that their success will continue as long as their two goalies continue to be the best…
“Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car
TORONTO – Reports from this morning rush hour suggest that people who drive everywhere continue to wonder why Toronto traffic is so bad.
“I don’t understand it,” said Lloyd Travers. “Every day I drive from my home near Lawrence subway…
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