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Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is
OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map.…
“It feels like it comes earlier every year,” says premature ejaculator
TORONTO – As shopping malls and grocery stores switch to Christmas music and eager neighbours begin putting up decorations, local accountant Thomas Muncy has told reporters that he’s ejaculating even earlier than usual this year. …
Study: 95% of hero dogs ignored by authorities when barking for help
REGINA, SK – A new study conducted by researchers at The Littlest Hobo Memorial University has uncovered a starling trend; in 95% of cases, most hero dogs’ attempts to get help are ignored by human authority figures.
“Going back through…
Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
TORONTO – Local tax accountant Arthur Nowak has reported being unable to tell whether the city’s long-anticipated influx of Taylor Swift fans has begun, or if this is just regular Thursday morning traffic.
“I’ve been sitting on the…
Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick
Vaughan, ON – Members of the Braiden family are excited to have an entire day where nobody in the house is sick.
“Usually October through April at least one of us will have a fever, sore throat or will be shooting absolute fire from both…
Steamy Romantasy goes into specifics of dragon sex
Vancouver, BC – The newest romantasy, Wings of Passion, is incredibly graphic in its specificity about dragon sex.
Sarah Butler was excited to read the newest novel by author Becky Yates. The third novel in the Firmament Series, Wings of…
“Democrats better get their shit together before the 2028 election,” says adorable friend who thinks…
Kincardine, ON – Local man Allan Terry has expressed his belief that the Democrats need to improve their messaging and policy efforts if they want to win the next Presidential election, charmingly revealing that he thinks there will be…
Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card
SLOCAN, BC — Life coach Skye Morgan reported that the mystical healing experience she had at an ayahuasca retreat last weekend concluded with an unexpected element: a survey qualifying her to win a $25 Amazon gift card.
“I feel so blessed…
“I can’t believe anyone would vote for Trump,” says smug Canadian man planning to vote for Poilievre
OTTAWA – A smug man from Canada wasted no time this morning chastising Americans for re-electing terrifying liar and felon Donald Trump, despite the fact that he plans to vote for terrifying liar and asshole Pierre Poilievre in the next…
Trudeau suggests now might actually be a great time to retire
OTTAWA – Following the re-election of US President Donald J. Trump, Canadian PM Justin Trudeau immediately suggested that now might be a great time to step down as Liberal party leader and let someone else have a crack at it.
“While I have…
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