Beaverton

SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests. “9 mins a kilometer” states anthropologist, Dr. Deidra McCallaghan, “that’s the average walking speed…

VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hannukah. “It’s a magical time of year. We dust…

EDMONTON – In an effort to be the most responsible driver he can possibly be, John Carnaby is making sure he obeys the speed limit when he cruises through school zones and beans kids with his 2019 Ford Fiesta. “It amazes me that some people…

OTTAWA – Local man Matthew Kearns has admitted that, despite despising Trump and wanting Canada to remain independent, it would almost be worth becoming the 51st state just to watch American politicians and media try to wrap their heads…

OTTAWA – With Justin Trudeau facing perhaps his greatest political challenge, the ghost of his late father, former Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau, appeared before him to ask the pressing question of whether former girlfriend Kim…

TORONTO – The Hallmark Channel announced a new movie airing this month that has raised some eyebrows. As part of its holiday programming and in an effort to court more viewers, the Hallmark Channel will air “I Fucked My Christmas Tree”,…

MONTREAL – A nationwide survey of children’s entertainers has made a surprising discovery; family-friendly songwriter Rafe Le Rafe is not an Australian. “Yeah, I grew up in the suburbs and just have a passion for singing kiddy songs,” said…

OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy. “I’m a firm believe that when a job is done, you don’t stick…

NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit. “He was born of man, consumes organic resources to…

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country this December, is not in fact real. PMO insiders…