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Sex playlist a little heavy on the banjo
REGINA – According to sexually frustrated sources, Charlie Walker is facing criticism for trying to set a romantic mood with an excess of banjo music.
“Look, I get it, the right twanging chord can definitely get me over the edge,” said…
Ukraine begs Canada not to donate Canadian military tanks
KIEV – Ukrainian officials swiftly backtracked on requests for Canadian military aid after learning that Canada planned to send them tanks belonging to the Canadian Armed Forces.
Following repeated requests for additional military aid to…
Report: Middle urinal thirsty
MEN’S WASHROOM – According to a recent report from the men’s washroom, the middle urinal is very, very thirsty.
While it is a perfectly functional toilet — much like its left and right counterparts — men in the washroom avoid using it…
Canucks aim to improve their reputation by hiring former player Todd Bertuzzi as Health and Fitness…
VANCOUVER – Faced with an onslaught of negative publicity for the way they handled the firing of Bruce Boudreau, the Vancouver Canucks are looking to gain back some popular support by hiring former power forward Todd Bertuzzi as the head of…
Adult Swim announces plans to fire problematic Rick and Morty creator, retain problematic fans
HOLLYWOOD – In the wake of news that Rick and Morty co-creator Justin Roiland was charged with felony domestic abuse, Adult Swim has announced plans to sever ties with the problematic EP and to keep the show’s legions of toxic fans…
Report: Austin Butler spent years stealing music from black artists to prepare for “Elvis” role
LOS ANGELES – Method actor Austin Butler shared the lengths he went to in order to get into character of the legendary singer Elvis Presley by appropriating Black culture for profit for several years before filming began.
“Some actors would…
In historic first, Dollarama opens second cash
MONTREAL – A local Dollarama defied every expectation and opened a second cash register at the St. Laurent location in the plateau at approximately 3:44 PM on Friday. The register was opened to better accommodate the line of more than…
“Chinese New Year, Chinese New Me” announces white woman
See More: China, cultural appropriation, lunar new year, new year resolution, news in photo Beaverton
Groundbreaking animal mind-reading study reveals ‘nothing interesting’
VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting.
The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world…
Guy giving urine sample can’t stop peeing
FREDERICTON – Onlookers are stunned as local software engineer Tyler Fontaine has spent the last 6 days continuously urinating into a medical sample cup.
For the past 140 hours, staff and observers have been gathered in the third floor…
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