Beaverton

PICKERING, ON – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has passed legislation that will help protect precious low-density housing, winding streets, and majestic parking lots from the encroachment of the Green Belt. “Today, we are putting a stop to the…

EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith has warned that Ottawa’s upcoming Just Transition bill will cost hundreds of millions of Albertans their jobs in the oil and gas industry. “After a federal memo from last September briefly discussed how…

CALGARY – Frank Benton has wasted the $150 Best Buy gift card his parents gave him for Christmas, despite spending weeks carefully thinking about how to use it. Local sources report that Benton has purchased a cable he forgot he already…

TORONTO – A new study has revealed that the best way to get rid of an unwanted cadaver is to carefully pack it into a suitcase and check it as luggage with Air Canada at a local airport. “Checking in bodies with Canada’s largest air carrier…

It’s important to do everything possible to stay ahead of the winter blahs, especially as the long nights drag on and January’s icy grasp makes you want to leave this frigid mortal coil. Luckily, we’ve got four nifty tricks that will do…

VANCOUVER — Police working with Loblaws store security have managed to foil a brazen daytime robbery of the Grandview Highway Superstore location, the suspect almost making off with two dozen eggs valued at approximately $6,500. The…

OTTAWA – Zellers has announced that this year they will open 25 retail pop-up stores across Canada, now that consumers have “finally gotten tired of online shopping”. “We here at Zellers know one thing – online shopping is yesterday’s…

Anywhere but Washington, D.C. – American Vice President Kamala Harris has received criticism for spending too much time on side quests rather than dealing with finishing the main story. “It was fun when she was doing the fishing minigame,”…

OTTAWA — Following recommendations by the Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction (CCSA) to put warning labels on alcohol, Health Canada has issued an advisory informing Canadians they can minimise their cancer-risk by ingesting a…

Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just the latest person to die from the COVID vaccine.…